


Shamy Snippets

by PrePsychPineappleLover



Category: The Big Bang Theory (TV)
Genre: F/M, Missing Scene, Random & Short, shamy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-27
Updated: 2021-01-10
Packaged: 2021-03-07 18:34:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 26,589
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26682283
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PrePsychPineappleLover/pseuds/PrePsychPineappleLover
Summary: This is a collection of random missing scenes that came to me when I was rewatching some TBBT episodes. All Shamy, of course. ;)
Relationships: Sheldon Cooper/Amy Farrah Fowler
Comments: 17
Kudos: 69





	1. 9x09: The Platonic Permutation

**Author's Note:**

> Hey fellow Shamyshippers! This is just an attempt to get over the writer's block I've been struggling with. As I said in the summary, those are random Shamy moments from random episodes I've been watching.  
> I hope you'll enjoy this missing scene collection! Please leave a comment if you do... :)

**9x09:** _**"I excel at many things, but getting over you wasn't one of them."** _

Sheldon was listening intensely into the static noise of his phone. "Amy?" he questioned. "Are you still there?"

There was silence for another two seconds. Then, just as he was about to hang up, she finally spoke up. "Yes. Yes, I'm still here."

"Oh. Good. I thought I lost you for a second."

There was a strange sound coming through his speaker. Amy was calling from her car – Sheldon could hear that – but hidden beneath the steady hum of her engine, he was sure that this sound was a sob or a sad sigh.

Sheldon furrowed his brows in concern. "Amy?"

"Yes?"

Her answer came quicker this time. Firmer. But somehow it sounded strangled and forced. Sheldon didn't know how to respond to this. "Uhm… I'm going to hang up now."

"Okay." she said.

"Maybe we'll see each other next Monday for Thai food night at my place." Sheldon reminded her. "You could come if you want. We are… friends after all."

"Uh, okay. Maybe. I'll think about it."

The silence that followed was long, awkward and filled with unresolved questions and sadness.

"Goodbye." said Sheldon finally.

"Bye." said Amy.

Sheldon stared at his phone after her voice was gone. It suddenly felt like his chest was filling with cold, tenacious oil. Black oil that enclosed over his heart like a spill upon the ocean, poisoning everything and destroying all life.

"Buddy, are you okay?"

Sheldon looked up. He had forgotten that Leonard and Penny were still in the kitchen and able to hear every word he just said.

"I'm sorry, sweetie." lamented Penny. "That must have been a hard decision to make."

Sheldon blinked slowly at her. "What decision?"

"Well, to stay friends."

"Isn't that what she wanted?" he asked, lost and confused. The enclosing heavy feeling around his heart was making it hard for him to breathe.

"Not anymore apparently." Leonard chimed in quietly and Sheldon's eyes began to widen as his unsettling, contradicting thoughts whizzed through his head like lightening.

"But I'm proud of you for getting through with it." said Penny now. "You know that I'm shipping you two so hard, but if you can't give her more right now, it's probably for the best that you told her that."

"What?" Leonard questioned, pushing his thick brows together as he was addressing his wife. "After all these months of moping and heartache this was finally a chance to mend their relationship."

"But for how long, Leonard?" Penny said, throwing her hands up. "I know this rejection probably crushed Amy-"

"C-Crushed?" voiced Sheldon trembling.

"But just think about how much worse she would feel in a few years, when he still strings her along without any real change. It's better to cut the cord before it can do even more damage."

"Damage?" mumbled Sheldon.

"You don't know for sure that there will be no change." said Leonard, crossing his arms and defending his best friend who currently looked very small on the far left side of the couch with his head bowed down and his nervous fingers cradling the phone in his lap. "I really think that this break has changed him for the better. After all they've been through, I can't believe that it'll be enough to stay just friends."

"I know, it's just-" Penny started, but this time Sheldon's voice cut through the room like a knife.

"Amy and I have always been friends! Why should this be any different now? If anything, this is a return to status quo. Like in the beginning when things were less complicated." Sheldon stated fiercely. "I miss her as my friend."

Penny and Leonard exchanged a look that Sheldon couldn't place. Maybe it was... pity? "I know you do…" began Leonard. "But wouldn't you miss her as your girlfriend, too? Before all of this happened you two seemed closer than ever. Almost getting joined pets and having sleep-overs. Wouldn't you miss that?"

Sheldon's eyes glazed over as he remembered those times before the break-up. It seemed so far away now. Almost in another lifetime. When he was happy. But hadn't he been happy today, too? By her side as her friend, playing nautical games?

"I'm not sure." Sheldon answered honestly. "All I know is that I miss having Amy around. And if we were just friends, she wouldn't have to wait for _me_ to fulfill all her strongly desired expectations. She would be free to look for this fulfillment elsewhere."

"And you would be okay with that?" questioned Penny unconvinced.

Sheldon forced himself to a tiny nod of his head while the poisonous oil seemed to dissolve his heart in a sizzling, acid pool of pain at just the mere thought of someone else courting Amy. "That way I won't disappoint or hurt her anymore and she would be happy…" he paused, swallowing and looking into his lap. "I… I want her to be happy."

"You don't think you can make her happy?" Leonard asked carefully.

Sheldon breathed in deeply. In his mind pictures popped up from past years. Past opportunities to take his relationship with Amy to the next level. Past arguments when he refused to take that step. Past disappointments, set-backs and misunderstandings. Sheldon breathed out.

"No." he said. "I don't think I can. If we get back together, I would eventually hurt her again and I would do it, just like this time, without even realizing it. And then Amy would be sad and angry and maybe she would leave me again and…" he had to pause once more to take a breath. The muddy oil was closing up his throat. "I don't think I can cope with that."

"Aw, sweetie." Penny scrambled over to sit on the middle cushion, wrapping her arms around Sheldon and pulling him in tight without even asking for consent.

It wasn't until his head had settled against her shoulder and he felt so warm and loved that Sheldon noticed the tears stinging in his eyes. Leonard sat down on the armrest and patted his shoulder. He was surrounded by loved ones, but still Sheldon was longing for more. For something else. A different kind of love. Could he find love again? With someone else? The very notion seemed starkly horrifying and wrong. But what other choice did he have to feel happy again?

He wiggled out of Penny's embrace and stood up on weak, wobbly legs. "Excuse me. I'm going to lie down."

"Sheldon?" Leonard called when his friend had reached the step leading to the hallway and he turned to look at him. "You do still love Amy, don't you?"

There was no thinking. Just a nod. "I do. I always will."

"Then don't you think that this is something worth fighting for?"

Sheldon breathed in deeply. His mind played him some images again. Of past times. Happy times. Times of togetherness and trust. Times of love. Sheldon breathed out.

"Maybe… I'll think about it." he said and turned to go to his room.


	2. 8x11: The Clean Room Infiltration

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Something sweet and Christmas-y... even if it's a little early... ;)  
> Don't forget to leave a comment, dear readers!

_**8x11: "Wow, you really do love her."** _

"This was really nice, Amy."

"Yeah, you should host Christmas dinner more often."

"That's so not fair." muttered Raj.

"Alright, we'll get going now… Sheldon, are you coming? Sheldon?"

Sheldon shook himself out of his deep thoughts and looked at his friends who were standing by the door. Leonard, who had spoken to him, threw him a questioning look. "Oh, I… I will stay a while longer and help Amy clean up." he said finally.

"Didn't we do just that?" grinned Bernadette and everyone listened up curiously.

"I'll stay anyway." Sheldon held firmly.

"Uhh, overnight?" squealed Penny. "Watch out, Amy. Looks like Sheldon is finally ready to get down to business."

Amy blushed and looked sheepishly at Sheldon, who tried his best to keep his voice steady. "I said I just stay a little while. I'll return to sleep in my own bed, if it's that what you're implying."

"And how do you get home?" Leonard wanted to know. "Don't expect me to drive all the way back here to get you."

"I-I could drive you home." offered Amy quietly.

"I'm not a child. I'll get home by myself, thank you." Sheldon pouted and threw everyone a pointed look. "I'll take an Uber with one of my favored drivers."

Leonard shrugged his shoulders. "Suit yourself. Bye, Amy." A chorus of goodbye's followed and Penny topped it off with a sing-songed "Have fuun", before everyone filtered out the door, leaving Amy's living room very quiet.

Sheldon swallowed. He couldn't really pinpoint the reason why he felt the need to stay. His previous pensiveness was caused by the remembrance of Amy's joyous smile when she unwrapped his gift, which made one thing crystal clear: He wasn't ready to leave her yet.

"So…" Amy said with a little tremble in her voice. "Do you want to help putting the dishes and the leftovers away? That's really all that's left to do."

"Of course." Sheldon nodded quickly and they both went into the small kitchen. They didn't need to say a word as they moved around each other in the confined space, working together flawlessly. Small smiles were exchanged and long looks were stolen when the other wasn't looking. And when their eyes did meet, they would blush just faintly.

Sheldon watched silently as Amy wiped down the counter at last; a calm, pleasant smile brightened his normally stoic features. When she was done, Amy returned the smile.

"Do you want some tea before you go?" she asked.

"Oh, gladly." accepted Sheldon. Again the room fell into comfortable silence as Amy put the kettle on and Sheldon arranged his drive home. He put his phone back into his pocket just as Amy poured the tea. "The Uber will be here in about 30 minutes."

They sat down at the table. Sheldon at the head of it this time and Amy to his right, near her festive Christmas tree. As they were sipping their tea, Sheldon's glance wandered towards the centerpiece of the table. The deep-red, square-cut box with homemade cookies right next to a jolly picture of him on Santa's lap.

Amy had placed the two items there earlier, arranging the box and the picture with great care. As if she hadn't gotten anything more precious her entire life. Sheldon reached for the box, opening it up. "Do you want a cookie with your tea? They really are perfect, you'll love them."

Amy's eyes lit up. "Really, I can have one? Earlier you admonished Raj when he wanted to taste them."

Sheldon tilted his head, looking at her as if she just mentioned something very obvious. "Of course, I admonished him. Believe me, in a week when he whines about the pounds he gained over the holidays he will thank me for this. Also, you went through all this trouble to make them. You deserve one."

"Alright." Amy smiled gleefully, reaching into the box to pick out a heart-shaped cookie with pink frosting. She nibbled at it carefully, humming in delight and savoring every bite.

Sheldon watched her, feeling happy because she was happy. He realized that he would gladly let her have the whole box of cookies just so he could watch her enjoy them. He left the lid open and the box between them.

"So…" Amy started, wiping some cookie crumbs from corner of her mouth. "Will you tell me why you wanted to stay longer today? Not that I'm complaining…"

Sheldon's eyes widened momentarily, sure that he couldn't find the right words to answer her. But then, Amy's smile as she was hugging the picture frame to her chest earlier tonight, appeared before his mind's eye and Sheldon suddenly realized what made him stay. "Amy…" he said, sheepishly looking down onto the white table cloth. "I wanted to apologize for my behavior earlier."

She scrunched up her brows. "What do you mean?"

"Well… I made it sound like I only gave you that present out of spite." He paused for a second. "No, I _did_ give you that present with the intention of ruining Christmas for you and for that... I'm sorry." Sheldon said quietly, but at the end of his sentence he finally dared to look up into her eyes. "You deserve something truly meaningful after the perfect gift you made for me and I feel bad for letting you down."

"Sheldon, I love your present." Amy said in that earnest, most patient voice she often used with him. "Regardless why you initially got it, you obviously put a lot of thought into it."

"I really did." promised Sheldon with an eager nod of his head. "You can ask Bernadette."

"See?" Amy smiled. "That's all that matters to me."

Again Sheldon nodded, swallowing and tilting his head downwards. A wave of gratitude for the person next to him swelled in his chest, making him feel proud for having her and lucky to keep her.

She was silent again, drinking her tea. Apparently, satisfied with his apology. Her left hand rested upon the table while the right was clutching her mug and Sheldon couldn't take his eyes off of the hand closest to him that looked so inviting. He couldn't quite comprehend why, but to Sheldon this conversation still wasn't over. An overwhelming urge to reassure her, suddenly made him lift his own hand.

It trembled a bit in the still air, before it settled down over Amy's hand, clutching her fingers tightly with his. She snapped her head up.

"I really do treasure you, Amy. More than you might think." he said quietly. Amy didn't speak, so he looked up. Her mouth hung open, the corners of her lips were tilted upwards in a smile and her eyes sparkled… even more than when she was watching old French movies and brighter than the flashy lights on the tree behind her.

She looked beautiful.

It was that simple, true statement, appearing in his head that made Sheldon say the next words again:

"I love you."

Amy drew in a shaky breath. Her hand turned over to intertwine Sheldon's fingers with hers, squeezing lightly. "I-I love you, too." she whispered, tears glistening in the corners of her eyes. "And knowing that you do, too…" she added. "That is the greatest gift. I don't need anything more."

It was Sheldon again who smiled and initiated the next act of intimacy by leaning over and kissing her sweetly. His thumb stroked hers and their lips pressed softly against each other. Completely forgetting about their tea, they stayed in that position, coming back again and again for another of those lovely kisses that tasted like Christmas, cookies and love.

Much too abruptly Sheldon parted from her when his phone vibrated in his pocket. Her eyes were hazy, her cheeks glowing. Sheldon's heart was thumping in his chest and he was short of breath. "The Uber is waiting downstairs." he whispered, not wanting to disturb the peaceful moment.

"Alright. I walk you to the door." Amy said trembling. As they stood there mere feet apart from each other, eyes gazing deeply into each other's soul, Sheldon bent down again to kiss her goodbye.

"Wait… your cookies!" Amy remembered, quickly wanting to grab them from the table, but Sheldon stopped her.

"Keep them. I'll come over and we eat them together." he said. "That's what Christmas cookies are here for, my Meemaw always said. To share them with someone you love."


	3. 9x11: The Opening Night Excitation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the kudos! Hope you enjoy; this next one is another soft Sheldon moment ;)

_**9x11: "We could find out together."** _

It was late at night… or rather early in the morning and Sheldon didn't really sleep yet.

There was still a smile on his face and he was intensely aware of the way his heart was beating faster than normally in his chest. Even though at the same time he felt incredibly calm and at peace with himself, he could not fall asleep. Sheldon figured he simply was too happy to close his eyes. If he drifted into unconsciousness now, he would miss a second of how this was feeling. And he didn't want that.

Amy's head was still resting on his chest and she was slumbering blissfully; he could tell by her breathing. Her chest evenly rose and fell against his side, the soft puffs of air hitting his naked skin. They had been too lazy to get dressed again for sleeping.

Sheldon thought that this would disturb him more, but – oddly enough – it didn't.

Nothing was bothering him all of a sudden. The thousand little voices in his head, constantly whispering things about cleanliness were unusually quiet. He didn't feel the imperative need to complete his nightly rituals by thoroughly washing himself, dressing in his Thursday pajamas so he wouldn't disrupt his clothing cycle or sleeping in the middle of the bed like a vampire. There was no itch in his brain, reminding him of a calculation that he still had to finish at work and that he went through obsessively in the back of his mind so he would have a head start in the morning.

His mind was silent. There was only Amy, sleeping in his arms.

It was so… peaceful.

She was warm and soft and her hair smelled like apples. Sheldon had never felt like this before. So… peaceful.

He sighed happily, proud of himself that he had been able to see his plan through. Although he had been very nervous the night before, it all went away the second she opened the door for him and he saw her radiant smile. Then he remembered again why he was doing this.

Because he wanted this. He wanted her. To be his. To be his forever.

When they eventually were in bed together, Amy was the one being nervous. So much so that her entire rosy nightgown-clad body shivered beneath the covers. But Sheldon was able to calm her. He didn't want to frighten or hurt her. Whatever happened next, he had said, they could find out together.

And they did. They were stripped bare in front of each other. Literally and figuratively. Nothing left to hide. They were honest and pure. Gentle and passionate. Completely devoted to each other. And they were enjoying it so much. Much more than they thought they would.

After their hearts had calmed down and their hands were getting crampy from squeezing the other so tightly, Amy had rolled onto her side, one hand sprawled over his chest, cuddling her small, warm body against him. Sheldon didn't even question her. Automatically, he raised his arm, allowing her to scoot even closer. He encircled her frame and let her lean her head against his shoulder, enjoying the pleasant afterglow of the heat they shared.

They didn't really talk that much, not knowing what to say. But they also didn't have to. The joyous smiles and happy sighs were speaking volumes. Sheldon had asked if she still wanted to go out for dinner even though it was pretty late now and most of the restaurants were probably closed. But she told him, she wasn't hungry and that she didn't really want to get up right now.

Neither did he.

So that was that and they stayed in bed, wrapped up in their comfortable cocoon of love until they eventually fell asleep.

Or at least Amy fell asleep. She had nuzzled her head closer upon the side of his chest and stuck her small feet between his legs while Sheldon just placed a tender kiss upon her hair and let her. She hadn't moved at all ever since. Grinning presumptuously, Sheldon figured he must have worn her out.

The soft tresses of her wildly disarrayed mane were tickling his nose and he stroked over her head now to tame them. Amy sighed utterly satisfied and slumbered on.

 _This is feeling entirely too good to be true,_ Sheldon mused.

In fact, he had spent the entire night convincing himself that this was indeed real and that he deserved this after all the pain he had been through in the past half year.

The pain of getting rejected by her and the utter confusion about what went wrong. The slow but increasingly firmer understanding that there might be nothing he could ever do to fix it. The secret nights of weeping in his sleep because he missed her so much. And finally, getting his heart broken all over again when he found out that she was dating other people.

And now he had her back and they took this monumental step together... to promise, once and for all, that they were fully committed to one another. And it felt so rewarding.

Being close to her, holding her, watching over her as she sleeps... Sheldon never thought he'd be so happy doing all of those things.

He reached out with his right hand to caress the curve from her waist to her hip under the blanket, drawing patterns into her skin. With his left hand he combed stray dark hair from her face, lifting his head a bit to kiss her forehead.

A primal thought took firm root in the center of his brain:

_I_ _protect you. I never let_ _you_ _go again._

Sheldon was shocked by his own admission, but he knew it was true. From now on, he swore to himself, he would do everything he could to keep her.

"Happy Birthday." Sheldon whispered delicately into her ear. "I love you so much, Amy." He thought for sure that she couldn't hear him, but, of course, in that exact moment, Amy obviously decided to wake up. "Shh…" he soothed her, breathing over her skin as she stirred.

"Sheldon?" she asked with a sleepy rasp in her voice. "You're awake?"

"Only since a little while." he lied. But to him, it really felt that way.

She yawned and snuggled closer. "What time is it?"

Sheldon turned his head to the side to read the clock on her bedside table. "Just after four a.m."

As if it was complaining about that ungodly hour, Amy's stomach rumbled audibly at that. Sheldon could even feel it against his skin.

"Are you hungry now?" he asked softly.

"No." Amy claimed, yawning again, but her stomach gurgled once more. "Yes." she then admitted and they both chuckled quietly.

"We could get up early and have breakfast." suggested Sheldon. "I believe it's customary that the boyfriend prepares the meal while the girlfriend occupies the shower first."

Amy finally turned around enough so he could look into her green eyes in the semi-darkness. "It's fine, you go ahead." she smiled and in her eyes, Sheldon could see the same peaceful happiness that he was still feeling. "I'll make breakfast and in return you still owe me a birthday dinner."

Sheldon smiled back. "Alright."

She kissed him quickly on the lips, remained close to him for another second and then entangled herself to get up. Sheldon could still feel the residue of her warmness that lingered under the blanket, but it was fading fast, leaving him cold.

This was definitely something he needed to feel again. _Soon._

One year couldn't go by fast enough.


	4. 7x15: The Locomotive Manipulation

_**7x15: "Kissing is romantic."** _

The ceiling fan whirred above her, but it did nothing to cool down her room. Or rather, it did nothing to cool down her body.

Amy had been lying awake for hours, but her insomnia wasn't caused by the heat or the fact that she was sleeping in an unfamiliar bed at an unfamiliar B&B in Napa Valley. No, she couldn't sleep because, as soon as she closed her eyes, a certain pale, handsome, dark-haired physicist appeared in her mind.

And he was kissing her.

Yeah, that's right. Sheldon was kissing her just like he did earlier today when they had been fighting and he was trying to prove a point. What point? Amy had no idea. As soon as his lips had pressed upon hers, Amy had been paralyzed with shock. She hadn't dared to move a muscle or actually tried to kiss him back, afraid that it would startle him and he would end it.

Amy never wanted it to end.

Although it started off angry and Sheldon's lips had been tight and hard, they had soon begun to soften. Amy didn't know why. Her only explanation was that he had started to enjoy kissing her.

That… or she had been dreaming. Like she was now.

Amy sighed. "Come on, Fowler, calm down. It has been hours." she berated herself. "Sheldon certainly isn't even thinking about it anymore." She threw herself onto her left side squeezing her eyes shut.

_He wasn't thinking about it anymore?_

Amy's brows wrinkled together. How could he not think about it? Kissing her was such a monumental step for them… even though it kind of happened by accident. _He_ initiated kissing her. _He_ leaned in. _He_ grabbed her hips. And _he_ deepened the kiss when Amy was already out of breath.

 _Sheldon can't just act like nothing has happened!_ Amy rolled onto her back again, looking at the fan. "Okay… slow down." she mumbled quietly to herself. Sheldon hasn't done anything wrong or indifferent just yet. Quite the opposite actually.

As they had been going to the engine room of the train, Sheldon had been very quiet. Whenever their eyes had met, he had smiled and blushed and then just before he had looked away again, his eyes had seemed to linger on her lips for a second longer.

Eric had come tagging along with them to Amy's dismay, but Sheldon had been rather curt with him, too, and eventually he politely asked him to leave them alone. Amy's surprise had been visible on her face, but Sheldon didn't mention it. He had been taking her hand in his and had led her back to an astonished-looking Howard and Bernadette.

They had dodged their friends' questions rather awkwardly, culminating in Sheldon exasperatedly telling them that they were fine. He had been throwing her a questioning look and Amy had nodded.

They were fine.

They had been kissing for approximately eleven seconds and hadn't talked about it ever since… but they were fine.

Amy turned to her right side.

They had arrived at the Bed & Breakfast, had asked for their keys and after a lingering staring match in front of their respective doors they had told each other goodnight and disappeared.

Amy was staring at the adjoining door to Sheldon's room right now. Was he lying awake, too? Was he replaying the kiss in his mind? Was he recollecting all the things he felt during that kiss? How she smelled, tasted and felt under his lips and hands?

Because Amy was doing that. She couldn't stop imagining. And she wished she would've had the nerve to kiss him back.

How different would it have felt had she kissed him back? Would the kiss have lasted longer? Would it have grown more heated and passionate? Or would it have ended immediately with Sheldon looking at her like a panicked squirrel in lightning followed by a quick and ultimate retreat?

Amy's head was swirling with all these questions. She couldn't find rest until she knew the answers, but at the same time she was much too afraid to find out. Sighing deeply again, Amy tiredly closed her eyes once more.

She wouldn't find out tonight. She had to accept that. Maybe next time she would be brave enough to kiss him back and then she would know.

_Will there be a next time?_

Amy's eyes popped open, her pupils widened in sudden panic. There had to be a next time, right? Sheldon couldn't just give her a taste of his sweet lips and then never ever kiss her again, now can he?

But what if he found her repulsive? What if he only did it to give her what she wanted on Valentine's Day so she would stop pestering him? What if he didn't really enjoy it?

Amy remembered what it had felt like when his lips had softened. Delicate like silk, caressing her skin. Carefully moving, sliding over her. Tasting her. And then the sudden pullback. And his eyes. Blue with just a tinge of darkness from a night's sky. Startled, but positively surprised at the same time.

Amy couldn't bear to not feel that again.

She kept staring at the adjoining door. It was calling her to do something about her restlessness. She had to know what he was thinking about all of this. She had to know if there was even the slightest chance that it would happen again.

Amy was out of bed and on her way towards the door before she even realized what she was doing. She hesitated with her hand raised up to knock… but then she just did it and as her knocking sounded through her quiet apartment, Amy's stomach clenched with nerves.

"Sheldon?" she called in a hushed tone.

Silence was followed by a turn of the lock and the door opened half-way. Sheldon looked at her confused. "Amy? It's the middle of the night. What's wrong?"

 _He must be very tired if he's stating the obvious._ _B_ _ut then again, it didn't take him very long to open,_ _so maybe he was already awake_ , Amy mused. She stared at him with wide eyes; her throat was suddenly dry and raspy. "Uh… uhm…" His hair was sticking up adorably and his lips looked so soft and inviting.

"Amy?" he said a little louder, as if she missed him saying something the first time. "I asked if you have trouble sleeping?"

"Y-Yes." Amy nodded her head mechanically.

He motioned for her to continue when she wasn't saying anything else. "Why?"

Again Amy opened her mouth, but she couldn't find her voice. He waited for her patiently, curiously. Hands folded behind his back. Eyes filled with something she believed looked like worry. _He is so beautiful. I'll die if I can't kiss him again._ Panic gripped her heart. "I-I can't do it. I'm sorry. Good night." she said quickly and turned around, walking towards her bed.

She slowed down and stood in the middle of the room, waiting to hear the door click shut… but it didn't. As she turned back, Sheldon still stood there. This time with a clear frown of worry on his face. He had opened the door fully now.

"Are you troubled by what happened between us earlier?" he asked.

_Dear Lord, was he thinking about it, too?_

"You know… the kiss." Sheldon continued almost whispering.

Amy's heart threatened to leap out of her chest. Her breathing quickened. "Yes." she whispered back. "I… I was wondering…" she swallowed, pressing her lips together and coming a few steps closer again; all under Sheldon's attentive gaze. "I wondered if it would happen again… the kissing." His eyes widened. "Not immediately!" she added quickly.

Sheldon nodded in understanding. He licked his lips nervously. Looking down and looking up again. Amy smoothed her hands down her nightgown, not knowing what else to say.

"I believe…" Sheldon suddenly spoke up. "That it could happen again. On purpose… not by accident." he added quietly.

For Amy it felt like the air was leaving the room. She sucked in a startled breath. "It will?" she dared to ask with an excited twinkle in her eyes.

Sheldon nodded curtly. "Yes."

Amy couldn't hold back the immediate wide grin. Oh, what a relief! He did enjoy it! Amy wanted to hug him, kiss him, squeeze the air out of him. Her fingers twitched, her whole body trembled, barely able to contain herself. "Uhm… what would be the parameters for kissing?" she asked, trying to sound nonchalant.

Sheldon tilted his head. "I was thinking about that, too. So far, I'm willing to agree to kissing at the beginning and end of every date night. But absolutely no kissing in public. And also no surprise kissing. I'd like to know when to expect it. I'll be updating the relationship agreement when we get home. I should have all the details by then."

Amy's head was spinning. That was even more 'thinking about it' than she ever hoped for. She figured she had to wait at least a few weeks before it would be safe to even suggest putting it in the relationship agreement. "O-Okay." she said shakily. Folding her hands in front of her and looking down with a sly grin, an idea formed in Amy's head. "What about goodnight kisses?"

She was keeping her head down, too afraid to see his reaction. But when he didn't answer she looked up to see Sheldon flustered and fighting to speak. "That w-would be acceptable." Amy's eyes lit up full of happiness and it was only then that Sheldon understood what he just agreed to. "Oh, Amy… you tricked me. Again!"

"I didn't." she held innocently, lifting her hands. "I just asked if it would be okay and you agreed."

Sheldon closed his mouth, breathing out, apparently accepting this fate. For a moment they were standing motionless across from each other. Then Sheldon made an awaiting gesture with his arms and shrugged his shoulders. "So… what are you waiting for then? This was your idea."

Blood crept into Amy's face, making her feel even warmer than before. "Uh, wha-at? Me?" she stuttered.

"Yes." confirmed Sheldon, stepping closer. "But don't overdo it. It's late."

Amy blinked in confusion. Was he asking her to kiss him? Right now? True, that was what she wanted, but she thought _he_ would be kissing her again. Having to initiate it was overwhelming her all of a sudden. She'd never done this… not with his definite consent. Those two times before didn't count as a real kiss. She didn't even remember the very first one.

Her hands were shaking. _Don't overdo it._ How was she even supposed to do that once she was given the chance?

Impatiently, Sheldon was rolling his eyes. "Oh, dear Lord." he muttered and suddenly he was closer. His hands reached for her waist. In the light of deliberateness he obviously didn't dare to put his hands to her hips again. Carefully, he pulled her in. Only one step between them. Amy's hands hung uselessly in the air, just like before. Her breathing stuttered as she was laying them upon the soft sleeves of his checkered pajama. She could feel his muscles tense at her touch. Well, at least he was nervous, too, behind this facade of confidence.

"Amy?" he asked quietly and in his eyes she could see it again. Excitement and a little bit of fear. But he was waiting for it. He wanted it.

She swallowed and wet her lips, moving her head closer. His eyes flickered down and quickly up again and she could feel his trembling breath upon her face. _No more thinking, Fowler, just_ _do it_ _,_ she said to herself and closed her eyes.

The soft touch of his mouth against hers had her skin tingling immediately. Chastely, they pursed their lips, not moving anything else. It was Sheldon who familiarized with the situation first and did something he also did in the train.

Tilting his head just slightly to his right made his lips slide against hers. Suddenly, it felt so much more like a kiss. A can of butterflies seemed to explode in Amy's stomach. Breathing in through her nose to steel her nerves, Amy responded this time. She kissed him back. Opening her lips a millimeter, she sucked lightly on Sheldon's bottom lip.

He noticed the change immediately.

His body stiffened, his hands held her tighter to him, but he didn't pull back.

_No, he didn't pull back!_

Amy's hands wandered up his shoulders without her noticing it. When she reached his chest, Sheldon quickly but gently took her hands from him and parted from her with a barely audible smack of their lips.

Darkening blue eyes. Blushing cheeks. She had no idea how she was looking, but Amy guessed not so different. Her lips were still parted, because her lungs were lacking oxygen, but she didn't mind. She looked up at Sheldon in awe.

He swallowed, putting her hands down and only at the last moment, letting go off her. "Good night, Amy." he said, stepping backwards, holding on to the door frame.

"Good night, Sheldon." she said, still out of breath. He was closing the door, leaving Amy still standing awestruck in front of it.

Why on earth did she think this would help her sleep?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'd love to read about your thoughts in the comment section below ;)


	5. 10x06: The Fetal Kick Catalyst

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Something short and silly from one of the times Sheldon got drunk... ;)

_**10x06: "Calm down, I already put away five of these."** _

"Are you sure you'll be able to get home by yourself?" a concerned Amy said to Stuart who just swayed out the apartment door.

"Yeahh, I'm fine. I'll get a taxi, but thanks for checkin'."

"Okay. Just promise me you hold on to the handrail all the way down to the lobby." Amy said from the doorway, watching her friend Stuart already making his wobbly descent down the four flights of stairs. She closed the door to apartment 4B and turned around towards her other patient.

Sheldon was currently resting his forehead against the wooden dining table, his arms flopped out next to him, passed out cold.

Amy sighed. "For someone who claims that he doesn't drink alcohol he sure gets drunk quite often." She walked over and shook him a little with one hand upon his shoulder. "Sheldon?"

"Ughhh."

"Come on, you big baby. We have to get you into bed to sleep this off."

"Nooo." Sheldon wailed. "I don' wanna move."

"You have to or else you'll be all cranky when you wake up. Also, it's not safe to sleep on the chair. What if you fall down?"

"I won't fall down. I'm a physh… ph… a phycist. I can resist the pull of gravity."

"No, you can't. No one can." argued Amy and pulled at his arm.

"Can too."

"Sheldon!" Amy groaned exasperated when her boyfriend didn't budge an inch from his seat. "Come on. Help me a little here!"

Sheldon moaned tiredly. "Alright. Alright." He lifted his head with heavy-lidded eyes, supported himself on the table and pulled himself up to a standing position. He swayed instantly and Amy had to hold on tightly to his arm so he wouldn't just tip sideways. Disoriented, Sheldon blinked. "Where am I? This isn't how the apartment usually looks like."

Amy pulled Sheldon a little closer to her and wrapped an arm around his midsection to steady him better. "We had people over, remember?" she said, stroking his arm with her other hand. "We put the table in the middle so everyone would have a place to sit."

Sheldon nodded slowly and absentmindedly. They took a few careful steps towards the bedroom. "I like it better that way." he suddenly announced. "How come we never changed the room like that before?"

"Because my boyfriend is a notorious creature of habit and hates change." Amy muttered more to herself than to him.

"Ohh… sounds like a pain in the A-S-S if you ask me." Sheldon explained, shuffling his feet alongside Amy.

She chuckled dryly. "Yeah. Tell him that if you meet him." They had almost reached the bedroom door when Sheldon suddenly straightened up with an excited sparkle in his eyes as if he just solved a very complicated math problem.

"Hey, that's mee! I'm your boyfriend, Amy!" he shouted happily, standing across from her and holding himself upright with his hands on both her shoulders.

Amy grinned. "That's right, you're my-" Her sentence was suddenly cut off when Sheldon planted a quick, sloppy and wet kiss square on her mouth. "Mhh, Sheldon!" Amy laughed and pushed him back. "What was that for?"

Sheldon shrugged his shoulders with a grin. "I'm your boyfriend. I do that now." he said matter-of-factly, but in the next second he stumbled again and he would've fallen if it wasn't for the door frame to the bedroom.

Quickly, Amy reached out to catch him. "Okay, mister. Off to bed you go." Together they stumbled into the room and Sheldon immediately slumped onto the bed. His body was swaying a bit and his head hung down as Amy unbuttoned his dress shirt. Suddenly, Sheldon looked up, his eyebrows raised.

"Ohh, I understand." he slurred a bit. "You will join me." Upon that he grinned and Amy was so startled by his out-of-character assumption that she blushed bright red.

"N-No. Of course not. I'm not taking advantage of you. I just thought you'd be uncomfortable sleeping in your good shirt." She stripped it off of him and Sheldon promptly let himself fall backwards with a deep sigh and then rolled to the side to snuggle his pillow. "On second thought, you were comfortable sleeping on the table before, so it probably wouldn't have made a difference." she added.

Sheldon didn't answer anymore so Amy assumed that he already fell asleep. She took off his shoes, too and covered him in one of her quilts since she deemed it too hard to pull the bedding out from beneath him. Then she stepped back with her hands on her hips and a sigh on her lips, pleased with her successfully completed task.

"Don' you just stand there. Sing to me." Sheldon suddenly requested. He didn't even open his eyes for his demand.

Amy couldn't help but chuckle and shake her head at her boyfriend's antics. Taking off her own shoes, Amy sat down against the headboard on her side of the bed and let her left hand sift through Sheldon's soft, dark hair. "What do I sing to you when you're drunk? Does 'Soft Kitty' apply here?"

Sheldon gave a tiny shrug of his shoulder. "Idunno… sometimes when my father had been drinking too much he'd sing an off-key version of the national anthem… or the TV jingle for the Lone Star Beer brewing company."

Amy made a puzzled face. "Well, I don't know that one… luckily." she added under her breath. Finally she settled for 'The Yellow Rose of Texas' as a lullaby and it did seem to calm Sheldon. His back was turned to her so, as she hummed through her song, Amy stroked down his back and felt his steady, slow breathing.

As the song came to an end, she nuzzled her fingers through the short hair at the nape of his neck, smiling softly down at him.

How calm this was feeling. How sweet and domestic. Amy's heart warmed as she thought back to what Sheldon did for her today. She had made the suggestion to have people over, although she was fairly certain he wouldn't enjoy her idea. Then he predictably knocked her hopes down only to go and arrange this small gathering all by himself. He cooked, he rearranged the apartment and he invited a few people. Just to surprise her.

Had he picked up on her disappointment and then did all that to make her happy again? To show that he was able to compromise now that they were living together? To please her?

Anyway, Amy knew that he wouldn't have done this a year ago. They were in love, sure, but before they went through that painful time of their break-up, Sheldon wouldn't have considered her needs as much as he did now.

He changed so much, became so much more attentive of her. He showed more affection. He was just… just perfect for her. Well… he _always_ was, but the way things were now, Amy knew that their cohabitation experiment could only be a smashing success. She hadn't been happier all her life than since she was living with her boyfriend.

Amy wished this experiment would never stop.

"Oh, no!" exclaimed a still-not-sleeping Sheldon all of a sudden, turning onto his back to look at Amy in horror. "If I will fall asleep during the day, I won't be able to sleep at night. I'll be restless and then you won't sleep tonight and you'll be mad at me."

"Shh…" Amy soothed Sheldon, stroking over his head again. "I won't be mad, I promise. Just try to get some rest. Only for a little while."

Sheldon settled down again, wrapping an arm around her waist and pressing his face into the side of her body. "Will you stay?" he mumbled sleepily.

Amy smiled, thinking about their first grown-up party together. In their own home _._ Then she leaned down as far as she could to place a kiss upon his head. "Yes… I'll stay." she promised.


	6. 4x21: The Agreement Dissection

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A short missing scene featuring a drunken Amy this time. ;)  
> Bear with me, I've never written such an early Sheldon before, haha...

_**4x21: "** _ _**Fascinating.** _ _**"** _

The prickly sensation on his lips hadn't left him in the last forty-five minutes. Maybe he should visit a doctor. Oh, rats, it's much too late now. He probably would have to go directly to the hospital's emergency room to get a doctor to take a look at him at this time of night.

Well, this _was_ an emergency.

Prickly lips could be the effect of many illnesses. He could have unknowingly eaten or drunk something that he was allergic to. It could be the first sign of a wide-spreading numbness of his body. He could've been poisoned with something. And he didn't even consider all the bacteria that could've been carried over from Amy's mouth.

Amy's mouth had touched his mouth.

Amy's lips had kissed him.

Amy had kissed him.

Befuddled, Sheldon stood in the doorway to Amy's bathroom and observed the picture in front of him. After hurling into the toilet bowl for quite some time, Amy must have gotten too tired to drag herself to bed and instead curled up on the bathroom floor.

Sheldon wondered how she could possibly fall asleep there; it didn't look comfortable at all. She had rolled onto her side with her head right beneath the toilet and her legs curled up to her upset stomach. Her red-rimmed glasses were askew, poking against the bridge of her nose. The arm she was laying on was stretched out over her head, which tipped slightly forward, so her nose was almost touching the ground. Her dark-brown hair fanned out behind her and contrasted starkly with the white tile floor.

And she was snoring.

Sheldon wrinkled his nose, both at the disturbing noise and at the stench of vomit that still hung in the air. Every fiber of his being told him to walk away from this as quickly as possible. It was unsanitary. Messy. And quite frankly not his problem. Amy chose to consume alcohol. With that she also willingly chose to deal with the consequences of that ill-founded idea.

She's to blame for this. _All_ of this.

His lips tingled again and he found himself unable to turn his back on her.

 _Amy will suffer from horrible kinks in her cervical spine when she wakes up in the morning,_ Sheldon realized. _Serves her right,_ his arrogant mind added.

Suddenly, Amy stirred a bit and her nose dipped forward against the ground. Sheldon's smugness vanished in an instant and instead he pushed his brows together in concern. _If she_ _starts_ _vomit_ _ing_ _again and is inebriated enough to not rouse from it, she could suffocat_ _e_ _._

He could not leave her behind like this.

Neglecting all the yelling voices and the itchiness in his brain that kept him from stepping over the threshold until now, Sheldon swiftly grabbed a fresh, white towel from a shelf in the bathroom and rolled it together to form an oblong pillow. He turned towards Amy and froze mid-step.

The prospect of kneeling down on Amy's probably germy bathroom floor made his skin crawl. Sheldon swallowed. _Amy is – most of the time – the most hygienic person I know, leaving out myself,_ he reasoned. _This fact would suggest that she keeps her floors acceptably clean, too._

Sheldon nodded to himself, satisfied with this reasoning. He knelt down in front of her. The smell of puke was worse down here, but Sheldon bravely held his breath. A trickle of liquid was dribbling out the corner of Amy's mouth and Sheldon struggled internally with the option of leaving it or wiping it clean. He decided that he just couldn't touch her there, not even with a wipe.

His lips were tingling, proving him wrong.

Ignoring his strange bodily sensations, Sheldon carefully lifted Amy's head with one hand and stuffed the rolled up towel beneath her with the other. There… now she was resting gently… and, _of course_ , more importantly, she wouldn't choke to death in her sleep.

Sheldon was sitting there on his haunches for a few more seconds. A strand of dark hair had fallen over Amy's face as Sheldon had been moving her head. It disturbed him. He couldn't see her face properly anymore.

Before any of the voices in his head could've held him back, Sheldon had reached out with his hand again and stroked the unruly strand of hair back behind her ear. His fingers lingered... the skin behind her ear was very smooth… warm… delicate...

Amy sighed softly.

Startled by this and his own actions, Sheldon quickly drew his hand back, held it to his chest as if burned and then swiftly stood up again, stumbling backwards.

He kept staring at Amy with wide eyes and a wildly beating heart. His lips tingled like crazy.

_Why? Why are they doing that?_ _Only because of Amy? Because_ _of_ _what she did?_

Amy's lips had touched his lips.

Amy had kissed him.

And that was… fascinating… and tremendously scary!

He should leave now before anything even more troubling and unforeseen would happen...


	7. 8x24: The Commitment Determination

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Something gloomy for the angst fans... ;)

_**8x24: "Well, Gollum, you're an expert on rings. What should I do with this one?"** _

Sheldon was mesmerized by the dancing light that reflected off the surface of the clean diamond. He moved the black velvet box that contained his Meemaw's golden engagement ring back and forth, making the diamond sparkle.

Sheldon never cared much for diamonds. They were the product of carbon particles under high pressure, nothing more. But now he began to see why women all over the world enjoyed wearing a glittery piece of carbon on their finger.

A diamond in the rough was just a black, unimpressive stone, but if you work on it and have a little patience it can transform to something beautiful.

Amy was beautiful. She always was to Sheldon, even if he mostly couldn't express it in words. As she ended their Skype call just now, with her shaky voice and her sad eyes, Sheldon wondered if it took him too long to realize that she was the prettiest, most valuable diamond of all.

Everything that had happened in the last two days could've been so different, had he only realized what was in front of him. Had he only found the words to tell her…

_They broke their intimate kiss on the couch to gaze deeply into each other's eyes. "Can you believe it's been five years since our first date?" Amy had asked with a giddy smile._

" _I know." Sheldon answered. "Do you think I should start watching the Flash TV show?"_

" _That's what you're thinking about?" Her voice sounded a bit disappointed._

" _Well, one of the things."_

" _Are any of them me?"_

_Sheldon smiled and gently stoked Amy's hair behind her ear. "Oh, Amy… you don't have to worry about that anymore. You're always on my mind… always. I just thought that starting a new TV show is like starting a new chapter in one's life. It's a g_ _reat commitment._ _And_ _since it feels like we're on the verge of a new chapter in our life, too, I thought it would be only right to start this new commitment together."_

" _Soo... you're asking if we could watch it together because we're committed?"_

" _Yes." Sheldon nodded happily. "Don't you think that we are?"_

_Amy was smiling again. "I do. I just didn't realize you were thinking about bringing our relationship to the next_ _level_ _."_

" _Oh, I am thinking about it." He paused to look into her eyes again. "Anyway… you're distracting me." he said and leaned in to kiss her again._

_And she let him and they were making out on the sofa like randy teenagers, by the end of which they were breathing very hard, their cheeks were blushing and the air was full of excitement and anticipation to take it even further._

But instead what he got was a rejection and a fight that he didn't fully understand. Amy's eyes were filled with pain and tears as she eventually stormed out the door without ever concluding their anniversary and without a final goodbye kiss.

Maybe... had he only tried to be more calm and understanding, she wouldn't have been mad at him...

_The next morning Sheldon would have woken up in a good mood. He had dreamed of Amy the whole night and of their prolonged kiss on the couch. The thought of it – the thought of her – was making him smile involuntarily and his stomach tickled in such a way that it was hard for him to eat any food._

_Even his friends noticed his extraordinarily good mood. He couldn't stop talking about Amy and how she was making him feel. Pointing out to Leonard and Penny that, although they were claiming to be in love, too, they hadn't picked a wedding date yet, led to a mild quarrel, an impromptu Vegas wedding and an epiphany for Sheldon._

But in reality the next morning had brought only sorrow. Sheldon couldn't sleep the whole night, thinking about what went wrong. When he texted Amy in the morning and later at lunch, he noticed that she didn't respond to any form of contact.

It worried him. It made him sick to his stomach. Sheldon hadn't eaten the whole day.

Later, when he asked Leonard and Penny for help, their talk only made him feel worse. Because they instantly figured out that it was him who did wrong while he couldn't plausibly explain it to himself the whole day.

When his best friends finally decided to have a shotgun wedding in Las Vegas, he was truly happy for them. They deserved it. They were in love. As was he. He wanted this, too.

And there was his epiphany. If only Amy had answered his calls so he could've explained himself to her…

_In his perfect alternate universe Sheldon considered skyping Amy immediately, but what he just decided was too important to do it over the internet._

_He needed to see her._

_Rushing out the door and onto a bus heading to Glendale, Sheldon tried to_ _piece together the words he would say to her. But his brain was a mess and his thoughts too excited to tame them._

_He stood in front of her apartment door and knocked three times. As she opened up and looked at him with a pleasant but surprised smile, the words just tumbled out of Sheldon's mouth. Nothing would've been able to hold him back._

" _Amy… I just realized that all relationships are difficult and sometimes we're only making it even more difficult by overthinking our actions. I am a great over-thinker. I always had been. Especially when it comes to you and the way I feel about you. Often times I'm scared of how certain things will affect me. But now I know that sometimes I just have to stop thinking for a moment and do whatever feels right to me. This does. And I can't wait another day for it."_

_H_ _e paused to take a breath and he saw Amy smile and opening her mouth to say something, but he beat her to it and moved down to one knee with_ _the_ _golden ring held up in his hands. "Amy, will you marry me?"_

The ring was suddenly glittering so much more as tears blurred Sheldon's vision. Because what happened in reality was brutally painful. He didn't get to ask the question that his heart begged him to ask.

Amy had beaten him to the punch and she asked for some time apart. What did this even mean? Were they broken up now? How could this happen? Why did this happen?

He loved her. Oh, he did! So much. And she… she did love him, didn't she? She said so just now. So why was she doing this?

Dear lord, this was such a mess! A colossal misunderstanding paired with the worst possible timing.

Sheldon closed the ring box. He couldn't stand looking at the diamond any longer. It was too painful. Bowing his head down, feeling the tears dripping from his eyes, he cradled the ring box close to his chest.

If only Amy had let him finish talking...


	8. 9x05: The Perspiration Implementation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Something a little different, 'cause this is told in the first person...  
> I hope you like it... despite the angst! ;)

_**9x05: "I've been told it's a good way to move on."** _

Sheldon:

I walked up the stairs with Leonard, contemplating if I should continue the fencing class or not. It was fun, but I didn't care for the way I smelled afterwards. A dried sheen of sweat covered my entire body and it made my skin itch all over. But showering at the university's gym with the guys was out of the question.

We rounded the corner to the third floor and – _bam_ – out of nowhere… there she was.

I froze so abruptly that I almost tripped over my feet. My chest tightened and suddenly I couldn't breathe.

Amy's eyes were wide and round and green. I love the color green. It's also the color of her nice, dark-green cardigan she was wearing. I knew I was staring… but I couldn't look away.

I haven't seen her for such a long time. How long? Only 41 days since our last conversation over Skype when I asked her to become my roommate and she declined. But it felt like so much longer. Seeing her again now, face-to-face, was like seeing in color after being colorblind for years. Everything was so much sharper. Richer. Prettier.

I was overwhelmed by her presence.

Leonard excused himself and so did Bernadette who came down the stairs with Amy. I tried to make him stay. I panicked. I didn't know what to say. Every time I opened my mouth I seem to hurt her. I didn't want to hurt her. But I needed to talk to her. I needed to tell her so much.

_I'm sorry. I miss you. You look beautiful. I want to marry you. Please, forgive me. Never leave me again. I love you._

I got very nervous. I couldn't look at her. I couldn't talk to her. My heart was beating fast. I was afraid, but of what exactly?

"How have you been?" she asked in a breathy voice.

_Awful. Horrible. It's hard to get up in the morning without sending you a good morning text. I miss you. My chest hurts when I'm thinking of you. I never stopped thinking of you. I love you._

"I'm doing alright." I clenched my fists hard to keep myself from twitching. I was never a good liar. She nodded once and I wondered how she was feeling. Was she glad that it was over between us? Did she think it was awkward that we were forced to talk to each other now?

"I tried fencing today." I said… just to say anything.

"How did that go?" she asked with a polite smile.

_What do you think? I'm desperate enough to willingly do sports to distract myself from the pain in my chest. It was like fencing against myself. With every step I had to concentrate hard to keep the mask of nonchalance from slipping. Nobody can know that I'm still hurting this much! What will they think of me?_

"It was pretty easy." I said quickly before I could launch into that rant that I built up in my head. "I think my background in mathletics helped."

A joke? Boy, those three sips of beer I had were obviously still affecting me. But Amy… she didn't laugh. Not even a little bit. She looked bitter. Like she truly had enough of me and my antics. I should leave her alone. Leonard was right. If I couldn't make her happy anymore she should be free to find someone who did.

"Barry Kripke was there." I said glumly. "I should let you know that he expressed interest in asking you out." Vocalizing these words hurt me somewhere deep inside… but it was the right thing to do, I told myself. Amy deserved to be happy.

"Actually… he already did."

 _NO! This can't happen! No!_ _Absolutely not_ _!_ _You're_ _not for him._ _You're mine. My Amy. My dear, lovely Amy. I can't let that happen. Please! Oh, please, take me back. I love you!_

"Okay." I said instead. My pulse throbbed in the arteries of my neck. I saw red, but I couldn't make a scene. I lost my right to get upset about this. She wasn't my girlfriend anymore. She could see whomever she wanted… even though it killed me.

_Kill... Kill Kripke!_

"But don't get too attached to him. In two years and 264 days, he's a dead man." I said firmly. She looked confused. About what? Because I still cared? Because she certainly didn't care anymore, right?

"I said no." Amy answered at last.

 _Oh… that's a surprise. Why_ _would_ _you_ _do that?_ _Are you_ _pitying me?_ _You_ _just want to make it easier for me,_ _aren't you?_ _I'm holding you back._

"Interesting." I still said somewhat relieved. And before I could stop myself I added, "I asked two women out today and they both said no." Of course, I didn't want to date any of them. There's just Amy for me… I knew that… but that didn't matter anymore. It's too late for us now. She didn't want me anymore.

"I-I didn't know you were interested in dating." she said, sounding surprised.

 _I'm not! I want you!_ _Only you, because I love you._ _But you_ _obviously_ _don't love me anymore, so why are you so surprised? What other choice do I have to get over you?_ _It's not like I could simply stop loving you. Can't you see?_

"I've been told it's a good way to move on." I shrugged, still not fully convinced of Howard's idea. It didn't feel right.

"Oh… okay."

_What? What is it? Why are you looking at me like this? Are you sad that I'm trying to move on? Don't you want me to move on? Do you still want me? Please tell me, is there hope? Do you love me?_

"Anyway… uhm… it's nice to see you. You look good."

No hope.

I swallowed the tears that suddenly threatened to spill. This was too painful. I had to get away. Now! I heard myself say thank you, but I wasn't really there anymore. My throat constricted painfully. My heart felt heavy and cold like a stone. My stomach clenched as if I've been punched. I couldn't breathe. This was the death blow. It was really over.

To her, we were nothing more than old alliances, passing each other in the hallway, making awkward but polite conversation, but with no feelings left behind. I could hear it in her words:

_It's nice to see you. You look good…_

She already moved on. She didn't want me anymore. She was over me.

_But I'm not, Amy! I still love you._

* * *

Amy:

I walked down the stairs with Bernadette, contemplating if I rejected Barry Kripke's invitation too quickly. It was flattering, but I didn't care for the way he behaved around my friends. Also, that picture he sent to my phone was quite off-putting as well.

We rounded the corner to the third floor and – _bam_ – out of nowhere… there he was.

I froze so abruptly, it felt as if I ran into an invisible wall that was unrelentingly separating us. The air got knocked out of me and my heart pounded fearfully.

Sheldon's eyes were wide and round and blue. I love the color blue. Like the bright blue Superman shirt he loved to wear. But today his choice was black and I wondered if that was reflecting his mood. I knew I was staring… but I couldn't look away.

I haven't seen him for such a long time. How long was it? Only 41 days since our last conversation over Skype where he had the nerve to ask me to become his roommate. But still, it felt like so much longer. Seeing him again now, face-to-face, was like taking off a pair of sunglasses that you wore your entire life. Everything was so much sharper. Brighter. Prettier.

I was overwhelmed by his presence.

Bernadette excused herself and so did Leonard who came up the stairs with Sheldon. I tried to make her stay. I panicked. I didn't know what to say. Often times when I talked to him my words got twisted around to his favor and I couldn't have that anymore. But nevertheless, I wanted to talk to him. I wanted to tell him so much.

_I miss you. You look handsome. I want to be with you forever. I forgive you. Please, don't hurt me with your words again. I love you._

I was nervous. He wasn't looking at me. He wasn't saying anything. My throat closed up, afraid to say the wrong thing. But I had to make the first step, because he surely wouldn't do it.

"How have you been?" I asked barely able to speak above a whisper. He looked at me just fleetingly, before fixing the floor again.

"I'm doing alright." he said and I nodded once.

_Are you? Are you really? Because I'm not. I miss you. It's hard to get out of bed in the morning without your good morning texts. I can't stop thinking about you. I love you._

"I tried fencing today." he added.

 _Okay, so you're really doing fine without me. Of course, you are. Why would you be heartbroken over someone like me? What was I thinking!_ _It must be awkward for you to be forced to talk to me right now._

I faked a half-smile, swallowing the pain that my thoughts caused. "How did that go?"

"It was pretty easy." he said quickly. "I think my background in mathletics helped."

 _Of course it was easy for you. You excel at so many things. And_ _on top of that,_ _you're_ _also_ _funny. You make me laugh. I would have loved to see you fencing. Why again did I break up with you? I love you._

I concentrated on keeping my face straight so my thoughts wouldn't give my feelings away. I couldn't let him know that I was still hurting this much. It would confuse him; I was the one who ended things with him. What would he think of me?

"Barry Kripke was there." he said now. "I should let you know that he expressed interest in asking you out."

_Oh… that's a surprise. You already know about Barry? What did you say to him? Did you fight for me?_

"Actually… he already did." I said in full disclosure, waiting anxiously for his reaction that would definitely show if he still cared about me or not. I didn't have to wait long.

"Okay." he said, nodding indifferently.

_Really? That's all you've got!? After all we've been through? I thought you've loved me? I hoped you'd still care… just a little bit. But clearly you're not. Maybe breaking up with you was the right thing to do, after all. I deserve to be happy, too._

"But don't get too attached to him." Sheldon said. "In two years and 264 days, he's a dead man."

_What? What is that supposed to mean? Oh god, this is so confusing! Are you jealous now? Does that mean you still care? I can't help but to hang on to this morsel of hope, because I love you._

"I said no." I told Sheldon quickly to reassure him. I wasn't ready yet to date anyone else. Oh, for heaven's sake, I wasn't ready to date anyone except him ever! There's just Sheldon for me… I knew that. And maybe his jealously meant that we could figure this out eventually. We just needed some time and someday we could be-

"Interesting. I asked two women out today and they both said no."

_NO! This can't happen! No! Absolutely not! You're not for them. You're mine. My Sheldon. My quirky, lovely Sheldon. I can't let you go. Please! Oh, please, take me back. I love you!_

I was in shock. "I-I didn't know you were interested in dating." I managed to press out. My head was swirling. He asked out multiple women. He didn't want me anymore. Oh god, I felt so stupid! I made a horrible mistake and the blows just kept coming.

"I've been told it's a good way to move on." he shrugged.

_You don't care. You don't want me. How were you able to move on so easily when I can't? You don't love me anymore. I need to be able to move on, too. I need to stop loving you._

"Oh… okay." My brain couldn't function anymore. Tears burned in my eyes. He didn't love me. He never loved me. My heart was beating out of my chest in panic. I needed to get away. Now!

No hope.

"Anyway… uhm… it's nice to see you. You look good."

I had to keep it together. Just for a little while longer. Just until he turned his back on me and then I could cry. And cry. And I might as well never stop anymore. I heard him say thank you, but I wasn't really there anymore. My stomach clenched as if I've been punched. I couldn't breathe. This was the death blow. It was really over.

To him, we were nothing more than old alliances, passing each other in the hallway, making awkward but polite conversation. But with no feelings left behind. I could hear it in his words:

_I've been told it's a good way to move on._

He already moved on. He didn't want me anymore. He was over me.

_But I'm not, Sheldon! I still love you._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think! :)


	9. 7x24: The Status Quo Combustion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is taking place just before the tag scene in the season 7 finale...

_**7x24: "How could you let him go!"** _

Amy stumbled as she took the corner on the third floor too quickly. Her arm reached out, barely managing to grab the handrail to keep herself from falling, then she proceeded to ran up the last flight of stairs.

Catching her breath for a few second as she stood in front of apartment 4A, she tried to compose herself as she was knocking. But when the door opened and she found Leonard behind it with his ridiculously bushy eyebrows scrunched together worriedly to form a single wrinkly line of hair, Amy's emotions bubbled to the surface again.

"What happened? Where is he?" she demanded to know before Leonard could even say anything.

"We don't know." he then answered, closing the door behind her.

"What do you mean you don't know?! Can't you still track his phone?" Amy's voice must have gotten very loud and agitated, because Penny now stepped closer and gently pushed her down onto the middle cushion of the brown couch. Until now, Amy hadn't even realized how bad she was shaking.

"He must have turned his tracking thingy off after we left him," Penny said. "But he seemed fine. Just a little overwhelmed."

Amy could feel her heart drum in her chest as she was picturing her poor boyfriend alone at the train station where his friends left him to go... god knows where! She feared for him, imagining how bad he must have felt to pack his things so abruptly and flee. And Leonard and Penny just let him go! How could they?! Why didn't they stop him, talk him out of it? They could have called her sooner, not just as they were returning from the station. Maybe she could've changed his mind.

Amy swallowed. _Why didn't_ he _call me?_

The hurt about this obvious rejection overshadowed every other feeling. Maybe he was running away from her. Maybe she pushed him too hard this time, pressured him too much on top of an already overwhelming situation. Was she the reason for his escape? Didn't he call her because he didn't want to?

Guilt grew like a lump in her throat, making it hard for her to breathe calmly. "B-But he must have said something." Amy managed to press out sadly. "Why he left? Where he was going?"

Penny had sat down in the white armchair, Leonard next to Amy on the couch. Both were shaking their heads no. "Just what we already told you over the phone." Leonard said. "That he feels overwhelmed by all this change around him and that he needs to get away to sort his thoughts and calm down."

Again, Amy tried to swallow down the growing feeling of guilt and hurt. _Sort his thoughts? About what? About me? What if he comes back deciding that he doesn't want to be in a relationship anymore?_ Amy's fear was rising. She didn't think she could deal with that possibility. Sheldon had just started to open up more towards her. He was kissing her since a few months and every single time it had felt like a supernova exploding inside of her when their lips touched.

Amy couldn't go back to _not kissing_ him anymore. She would miss that feeling too much. The joy, the swirling sensation in her stomach, the fluttering of her heart. She knew that all of those reactions indicated that she felt so much more than just fondness for Sheldon. She knew for a long time now what it meant, but, of course, she hadn't told him. How could she when he was barely even tolerating to hold her hand for a longer time period!

But Amy had thought that Sheldon had grown to enjoy kissing her. The way he had maintained their connection longer every month at the end of date night. The way he had smiled after he finally parted from her. She thought all he needed was some more time to realize that… maybe… he was feeling the same way she was feeling.

Amy was trembling again. Was it all an illusion? Just a necessary requirement he only fulfilled because of the relationship agreement?

"Did he say… when he will be back?" Amy asked quietly, having to pause mid-sentence to change her original question from _if_ to _when_.

"Sorry, he didn't say." Penny answered carefully. "But I'm sure he will return as soon as he calms down. He wouldn't just leave you without a word."

_He already did._

Tears filled Amy's eyes. It was like someone put heavy stones in her stomach. She felt so unwanted. Unimportant. Unloved.

_How could he leave me like that?_

It was just then that Leonard's phone started ringing, startling everyone out of their pensiveness. He pulled it out of his pocket and looked at the caller ID. His brows shot up. "It's Sheldon." he said.

Another punch to the guts for Amy. _He called Leonard._ She wanted to inhale in surprise, but she just choked up. Only when Penny hurriedly told Leonard to answer, Amy suddenly jumped to her feet, her hand outstretched. "Let me talk to him." she demanded. "I… I need to hear that he's okay."

Leonard looked at her with compassion and handed her his phone. "Of course."

Amy held the vibrating cellphone in her hands and stared at Sheldon's name on the display. Suddenly, _she_ felt overwhelmed. What should she say? What if he didn't want to talk to her? He must have called Leonard for a reason, after all. But didn't she deserve to know, too? Does he care about her so little?

No matter if she wanted to hear the answer to those questions or not, Amy could no longer remain wondering. With a quick swipe over the display, she answered the call. "Sheldon?" she asked in a small voice after swallowing the dryness in her throat.

There was a pause. The only thing she heard was the soft clickety-clack of the railway in the background… and suddenly a surprised voice. "Amy?"

"Yes… it's me."

"I-I thought I called Leonard."

Amy closed her eyes, willing herself not to get upset. "You did. I just answered the phone, because…" she paused… more clickety-clack and silence… "Because you didn't call me. I… I was worried about you."

The silence was stretching. With every click and clack of the railway it felt like she could literally hear him distancing himself further and further from her. But then he finally answered.

"I'm sorry that you were worried."

She opened her eyes again, exhaling a breath that she didn't realize she was holding. _He's sorry… but that doesn't make it okay._ Amy stole a glance at her friends, who weren't doing a very good job in hiding their interest in her conversation, and took a few steps away from them, pretending as best as she could that they weren't listening in. "W-Why didn't you call me?" Amy asked sadly.

She could hear him immediately this time, struggling for words. "I… I didn't know... what to say. I thought you would…" he trailed off again. "I was overwhelmed." he then finished instead.

"I'm sorry." Amy mumbled. "I didn't mean to overwhelm you."

"It's okay, Amy." he said, surely this time. "It's not your fault. I was overwhelmed by a lot of things at once and I just… I had to leave. I didn't know...h-how to say goodbye to you."

There was her heart fluttering again as hope blossomed. "It's okay." Amy said; tears were pooling in her eyes. "I'm glad that we get to talk now."

"Me too."

Inexplicably, Amy had to smile at that. The distance between them suddenly didn't feel as far as before. She listened to Sheldon's breathing and to the background noise around him. It was calming her now. He was fine; he was safely on board of a train and not wandering the streets at night.

"Anyway…" Sheldon said. "I just wanted to inform you that I'm on the train now, heading north. You don't have to follow me or worry about me anymore. I studied the itineraries of the US railway quite thoroughly and memorized their schedules. I won't get lost somewhere."

Amy smiled again, marveling at his beautiful mind. "I'm sure you won't." she said softly. A familiar warmness spread in her chest as she imagined him confidently navigating through a vast variety of confusing maps. Sorting data; that's where he shines. "But…" Amy suddenly spoke up. "You will return eventually, right?"

"I will."

The answer came quick. Apparently confident that he will manage to sort through his fears and pressuring feelings while he was away. Amy's stomach swirled again. She couldn't really tell if it was the good kind, like when he was kissing her, because of his promise to return or the bad kind, caused by the fear that he might not return _to her_.

_W_ _hat if he won't come to the conclusion that a relationship is what he wants?_

"Good, because…" Amy started absentmindedly, still lost in her thoughts.

_I need to tell him what I'm feeling, right? He can't make a decision until he knows._

"I-I…" she breathed through to calm herself, but her heart was pounding in her ears. "Sheldon, I…"

_But what if this is too much pressure again? What if I'll push him away for good?_

"You what, Amy?" Sheldon spoke up when she couldn't finish her sentence.

"I…" She balled her hands into fists, willing herself to say it. But her throat was closing up. Too much fear was getting in the way of her confession. "I'll miss you."

There was silence. Amy risked a glance back to the seating area, seeing that Leonard looked confused, but Penny stared at her with eyes as wide as saucers and her mouth hung open in shock. Amy knew that she knew what she actually wanted to say.

"I'll miss you, too."

Amy was so startled by the sudden voice in her ear and the words it was saying that she almost dropped the phone. She continued to breathe, but she couldn't utter a word. The blood was rushing in her ears.

"Well… I'm going to hang up now. The train conductor will soon start his round and I want to be ready."

"Okay, Sheldon. Thanks for checking in." Amy blubbered automatically. Slowly, she lowered herself onto the sofa again. "Talk to you tomorrow?"

"Sure. I'll call you this time. Bye, Amy."

"O-Okay. Bye." she said, put down the phone and stared ahead.

_He'll miss me._

The conversation between herself, Leonard and Penny went on, but she didn't really participate anymore. Her thoughts circled around Sheldon's surprising confession… not the one she wanted him to make, but a confession, nonetheless: Sheldon will miss her.

 _So… that means he does care_ _about_ _me, right?_ _He_ _still likes me. He_ _probably even_ _really_ _enjoy_ _s_ _us_ _kissing. Is there possibly even a_ _chance…_ _just a slight chance_ _that…_ he loves me, too?

Amy's chain of logic came to an unsatisfactory, ambiguous end and she couldn't stand the tension. She couldn't wait to find out the truth. She wanted… no, _needed_ to know! _N_ _ow_!

HOW COULD LEONARD LET HIM GO!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading and for all your kudos! :)


	10. 8x08: The Prom Equivalency

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally some fluff again for one of my favorite scenes! ;)

_**8x08: "I love you, too."** _

Amy never noticed that the ceiling of Sheldon and Leonard's living room had some delicate patterns. Small fissures and lines that crisscrossed through the white plastering, hardly even visible to the naked eye. But now that she was laying here, she noticed.

Sheldon would certainly complain to the landlord about this if she said anything. A soft gasp escaped her as she was thinking about him.

_Sheldon loves me._

Amy's head rested upon the sanctuary that was Sheldon's spot, her hands folded upon her belly so she could monitor her breathing. The silky fabric of her turquoise dress felt soft against her palms. It reminded her of what he said to her: _You look pretty._

_Sheldon loves me._

Another gasp and a small jerk of her form as someone touched her knee. Still mesmerized by everything that had occurred only minutes earlier, Amy tilted her head to look at him. Sheldon was sitting on the middle cushion – her spot – right next to her elevated legs that were supported by his colorful striped pillow. And he had rested his left hand upon her knee, brows drawn together in concern.

"Amy?" he asked. "Are you okay? You're breathing has seemed to speed up again just now."

Amy tried to focus on responding while she was melting inside because of the gentle tone of his voice and the blue sparkle in his eyes. "I-I'm okay. Just a little shaky, that's all." She tried to sit up, but her head started spinning.

Just before she could unintentionally sink back down again, Sheldon's hand reached for hers and he helped pulling her up. "Easy." he whispered.

They weren't breaking eye contact.

_Sheldon loves me._

Amy wasn't able to think about anything else anymore. Nothing else was important. Just this wonderful, long-awaited confession.

"Uh… do you… do you want some water maybe?" Sheldon stumbled shyly through his speech, blinking and looking at various immovable objects before settling back on her.

Amy slowly came back to reality, too. "Oh… yes, that would be nice."

Quickly, Sheldon stood up and went into the kitchen. Amy used this moment to lift her feet down to the ground again and stare after him. _He was right. His posterior does look nice in those black pants._ Amy shook her head. Dangerous territory. Thoughts like that would send her right into the next panic attack.

Sheldon returned with her beverage. "Here." he said, offering her the cold plastic bottle. She thanked him and took a few greedy sips while Sheldon sat back down next to her. He didn't make one comment about them switching spots. "Are you feeling better now?" he asked when Amy put the cap back on the bottle and put it on the coffee table.

She nodded thankfully. "Yes, much better."

"You know, if you want to rest some more and stay downstairs, I'd be okay with that." Sheldon offered readily.

She chuckled a bit. "You just don't want to go yourself." Sheldon grinned, looking into his lap as she caught on to his ruse. "No, you won't get out of this, mister. I said I'm not going to miss out on another prom and you're going to accompany me." Amy made a move to stand up, but Sheldon held her back by slightly touching her arm.

"Wait… then… let me ask you properly." Sheldon stood up himself, straightening his adorable bow tie and clearing his throat. Then he looked back down at Amy and offered her his hand. "Amy Farrah Fowler, will you go to this prom redo with me?"

Amy's mouth dropped open. As she put a hand to her chest she noticed that her tachycardia had returned full force. She watched her own hand reaching for his like it was a dream. "I'd love to." she heard herself say and, gently, Sheldon pulled her to her feet.

There she stood, but to Amy it didn't feel like she was touching the floor. She was floating.

_Sheldon loves me._

Speechless she followed him as he was turning around with a smile, leading her out the door of 4A and up the stairs. His hand never let hers go. Amy felt so light and carefree, like a balloon on a string that was attached to Sheldon's wrist. She was going where he was going. No questions asked. No questions needed. Just him leading the way.

_Sheldon loves me._

Amy had happily floated along until the top of the stairs. The door to the roof where the party took place was only a few steps away from them now and Amy could already hear cheerful music playing and their friends' joyful chatter and laughter.

Suddenly, the metaphorical balloon popped and Amy instantly sank back to the ground as she remembered something important. "Wait!" she exclaimed, staying rooted on the spot.

Sheldon was forced to stand still and turned around with a puzzled look on his face. "What's wrong?"

Amy looked up into the blue sparkle of his eyes again, struggling to find the words that had been lying on the tip of her tongue for quite a long time now. "I-I… I just realized…" Amy stuttered nervously, swallowing to wet her dry throat. "That I never got the chance to… say it to you." Sheepishly, she looked at him from below her lashes, waiting for him to catch on.

As he did, a smile grew on his face. "I've actually been waiting for the perfect moment to point that out to you." he said mischievously, causing Amy to blush brightly.

He continued to stand there, waiting. Not saying another word. Amy's heart palpitated and she was breathing audibly again. Fear grew in her eyes as she realized that she was close to losing it again. Oh, what would Sheldon think of her?

She was swaying on her feet, but someone still held onto her.

Sheldon.

He still held her hand tightly in his; the band that connected her to him wasn't broken. He was squeezing her fingers, smiling slightly, showing her that he wouldn't let go.

Amy's eyes snapped back from their clasped hands to his eyes and just like that the words tumbled out of her. "I love you."

Surprise in his eyes, as if he didn't expect her to say it for some reason. More blue sparkle. More love in his eyes.

"I didn't reckon on how it would feel to hear you say it." Sheldon said quietly. "It's understandable that your reaction was a panic attack."

For a second Amy held her breath, thinking that hearing this confession out loud from her frightened him. But then he stepped closer. His left hand, the one that wasn't already holding on to her, encircled her waist, pulling her in.

"I shouldn't have interrupted you earlier." Those words were whispered against her lips, just before the gap between them closed and they were kissing.

Amy's breath left her in a sigh as she wrapped her arms loosely around him. Sheldon's right hand wandered up her arm, cupping her cheek and tilting her head to gift her with the sweetest, most tender kiss one has ever given a loved one.

And Amy was a loved one. Sheldon loved her.

Maybe they would've spent forever kissing like that, but unfortunately, the rooftop door suddenly opened and the noise of the prom party swelled and startled them apart.

In the door stood a slack-jawed Penny who momentarily stumbled on her feet.

"Woah, holy crap!" she exclaimed befuddled. "I-I just wanted to go look if you guys were still coming to the party…" Penny paused as she obviously finally found her wit again and grinned from ear to ear. "But I see you already started the after-prom party."

She said this loud enough to turn most of their friends' heads behind her on the roof, causing them to curiously look at the spectacle by the door.

Amy's cheeks heated up and she saw how much Sheldon blushed, too. But he swallowed bravely, avoided eye contact with his blonde neighbor and grabbed Amy's hand again, pulling her along with him. "Mind your own business, Penny. I'm going to slow-dance with my prom queen now."

Amy grinned so wide it hurt her cheeks. So wide, only people in love would understand that she was not crazy.

Sheldon and Amy were in love.


	11. 12x13: The Confirmation Polarization

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A missing scene that took place between Amy telling Sheldon that she's okay with him winning the Nobel Prize without her and Sheldon barging into President Siebert's office and telling him that he definitely won't win without Amy! ;)

_**12x13: "You're the only reason I deserve one."** _

Sheldon encircled his wife in his arms, holding her tightly and close. He loved the feeling of towering above her like that and pulling her in so far that nothing could possibly hurt her.

It must be an old primal instinct that survived through time, because, if he was being honest, mostly it was Amy who took the role of the protector in this relationship not the other way around. But Sheldon liked to pretend that he could be her rock, too. The strong one that kept her safe from all harm.

This moment now was another one of those that could fool an onlooker.

Because despite Amy nuzzling herself so deeply in Sheldon's big embrace, it was actually her who did the protecting.

She wanted him to be happy. She wanted him to apply for the Nobel Prize without her so he would have a bigger chance at winning together with those FermiLab scientists who didn't even understand their theory. Once again, Amy was sacrificing her happiness to protect him. To give him what he wanted.

Sheldon's skin crawled and the ticking sound involuntarily made it past his lips again.

They parted and they smiled shyly at each other. But Amy was the one who turned away first and Sheldon swore he could see the smile instantly slipping from her face. He breathed in and clenched his fists, trying to keep the ticking at bay, not to give himself away. But for the rest of the evening he couldn't find peace.

They finished eating dinner and then washed the dishes side by side like they always did. Also like always, they weren't talking much. The silence around them was usually like a warm light, enveloping them in comfortable coziness that conveyed trust. It allowed them to let their minds wander, knowing that their partner was always there to join them on their journey of thoughts.

But this time the silence was cold. It was hiding their thoughts. Separating them from each other. Glances that met were avoided immediately so they wouldn't let the other know how they were really feeling. Smiles that were exchanged didn't reach their eyes.

For a few hours they bustled around each other, emerged in their own thoughts, then they went to bed. Timid 'I-love-you's' were whispered and they kissed goodnight like every night. As the lights were switched off, the silence crept in again and it had swollen and it was heavy. With it Silence had brought its friends Worry and Doubt and they were tormenting Sheldon relentlessly.

 _It's not right what_ _you're_ _doing_ , Silence whispered. _Amy's your wife and you're selling her out for a stupid prize._

No, of course, the prize was not stupid and Amy had given him her blessing, but still it wasn't worth it. What good was that prize if in exchange they were losing their mutual trust? What if their warm, cozy silence would forever run cold and suspicious?

Sheldon was tossing and turning in bed. He tried to move as careful as possible so he wouldn't disturb his wife who was sleeping at the edge of the bed with her back towards him.

 _See, she's already distrusting you. She's showing you the cold shoulder,_ Silence nagged him. _Look what you have done. The Nobel Prize will forever stand between you and your marriage._

"No…" Sheldon whispered, not realizing that his struggle had become audible now.

_You will ruin everything again. She will hate you. She will leave you. And you can be happy with science. That's all you ever wanted, isn't it?_

"No, no!"

"Sheldon?"

His eyes popped open as Amy's voice disrupted his troublesome thoughts. She switched on the light on her bedside table and reached for her glasses.

As Sheldon pulled up into a seating position against the headboard and watched her blink tiredly against the light, he had the urge to hug her again and apologize for things he hadn't even done yet.

"What's wrong?" Amy finally asked, leaning her body sideways against the headboard so she was facing him.

Sheldon didn't beat around the bush for long. He knew the root of what was troubling him and he knew what he had to do to solve his problem. "Amy, I won't apply for a Nobel Prize with Pemberton and Campbell."

"W-What?" Amy wanted to add more, but Sheldon already elaborated on his decision.

"Superasymmetry is _our_ theory. _We_ came up with it on _our_ wedding day and _we_ deserve to win the Nobel together. Just you and me and no one else." he clarified.

Amy's shoulders sank forward. "Sheldon, we talked about this. It's the best chance to win."

"I don't want to win!" Sheldon exclaimed much harsher than intended.

Amy tilted her head. "Since when?" she asked incredulously.

"I mean…" Sheldon paused, sorting his thoughts to find the right words. "I don't want to win like this. I want to win with you. You deserve this prize just as much as I do. Definitely more than those imbeciles from Chicago."

Amy looked down into her lap where she played with her golden wedding band. She did that sometimes when she was nervous. "That may be true," she said. "But sometimes that's not how it works. Only three people can apply and it should be you with them."

"Amy—" Sheldon tried to interrupt.

"No, it should." said Amy, looking at him with determination. "I know it seems unfair, but I know how important this prize is for you. What happens if you and I were to compete against FermiLab and we lose? Sure, you'd be disappointed at first, but what if one day when we're older you would also blame me for never winning a Nobel? I don't want you to resent me for this."

Sheldon swiftly took her hand and squeezed it in his so she would stop losing herself in those preposterous thoughts. "I won't do that." he said firmly. Amy opened her mouth to protest, but Sheldon raised her hand to his lips and kissed her fingers, just above her ring, taking her by surprise. "I won't do that." he repeated once more. "I love you."

Amy smiled, but her lips were trembling. Sheldon could see how she was fighting against the urge to tear up. "I love you, too." she whispered, stroking with her free hand against his clean-shaven cheek. "That's why I'm doing this. I want you to be happy."

She was repeating her pledge from earlier, but Sheldon was having none of it. "I want you to be happy, too. And just like you, I worry that you could hold a grudge against me one day when I would put the Nobel Prize over you."

Amy shook her head. "Sheldon, I would never-"

"Resent me for this?" he finished. "I believe you. But I still don't want you to do this. I'm not that kind of person. Not anymore." he explained unhesitatingly. "It's true that winning a Nobel Prize has always been my goal in life… ever since I was little. But since I met _you_ … it's not that important to me anymore." Sheldon spoke softly, tracing his thumb over her skin and looking into her forest-green eyes. "My happiness is no longer depending on a Nobel… it is depending on you."

Two glistening tears swelled in the corner of Amy's eyes and they ran over her cheeks and dripped upon their clasped hands.

Sheldon reached up and wiped his thumb carefully over her face, cleaning the traces her tears left behind. "We're a couple, Amy. I'm happy when you're happy. I'm happy when we are doing things together. So… you can argue all you want, but I'm no longer okay with you missing out on things that you'd enjoy or you sacrificing your happiness for me. We're an equal team and I don't want to be part of a prize that doesn't honor your contribution."

More tears had followed the first two and in the back of her throat strangled sobs made it past Amy's lips, proving that the decision she made for him earlier had been weighing much harder on her than she had let on. And she was still holding back now, but Sheldon continued to watch her, calm and firm, and finally her resolve broke down and she reached out for him with her arms.

Sheldon was there to catch her and hold her tightly to his chest. With his hands he stroked her back and her head, shushing her and kissing the top of her hair. He was protecting her now. He was her rock.

"A-Are you sure about this?" Amy's shaky voice questioned him quietly.

"Absolutely, dear." Sheldon promised. "So sure that I'm going to call President Siebert right now and tell him about our decision."

He wanted to withdraw from her, but Amy clenched her hand around the front of his pajama top and kept him close. "No. You can't call now; it's the middle of the night."

"That hasn't stopped me before."

Amy giggled slightly. "I know, but I really think you should think about this... at least until tomorrow morning."

Sheldon pulled back so he could look into her eyes. "Amy, I've told you, I'm sure. We will win this together or not at all. I promise, I won't regret a single thing."

From her place below his arm, pressed to his chest, Amy smiled up at him. "You're the best husband ever, do you realize that?"

Sheldon grinned cockily. "I know." he said, making Amy laugh. "Now sleep. Tomorrow we have a bone to pick with FermiLab."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Leave me a comment and tell me what you think... :)


	12. 9x10: The Earworm Reverberation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Of course there has to be a snippet for this lovely Shamy moment... ;)

_**9x10: "Kiss her you brilliant fool!"** _

The feeling he had was comparable to the satisfaction of him sitting at home in his spot with a comic book and a cup of tea in his hands. Or him solving a mind-boggling equation that he had been sitting on for years. Or maybe it was rather like that moment of coming to an agreement after Amy and him had been extensively haggling back and forth.

Amy's lips opened a little bit more and Sheldon immediately responded in kind. His arms wrapped tightly around her, pulling her close. His heart hammered so fast, he could feel it reverberating from Amy's chest. Or was that Amy's thumping heartbeat? It was the feeling of pure joy and relief that they were kissing again.

And he was wrong. This wasn't comparable to anything else he ever felt before.

He couldn't let go. Didn't want to lose touch. Didn't want to lose this feeling that he was so drunk on right now.

Love. Oh, so much love. He never thought he'd be able to love another human being this much.

He had never hugged Amy like that before. Never this long and never this tight. So that they were touching from head to toe. Even though he had learned to enjoy her hugs, he had never allowed it to happen for longer than a few seconds, afraid of the effect it could have on him.

But now he was craving her touch. Her small, soft body entangled with his; he almost couldn't breathe. The smell of books and dandruff shampoo all around him, making him feel like he could pass out any minute from excessively inhaling her scent.

They had never kissed like that, either. Not with their mouths open and inviting. Not this deeply. Longingly. Passionately.

Sheldon never wanted to taste anything else on his lips but her. He wrapped his arms even tighter around her, hands wandering up and down her back and shoulders. Never again he wanted to let go. Never again he wanted to stop kissing.

 _What an upheaval! That's not like you at all,_ Sheldon's inner voice wondered bemused, but it got silenced immediately and he didn't mind one bit.

Amy's kisses grew slower now. Her hands that had been running all over his neck and shoulders, encircling him to keep him close, came to his front, holding on tightly as she seemed to sway on her feet. Sheldon could tell this kiss was coming to an end and he desperately drew her in once more.

_Can't lose her no more. Can't let her go._

Sheldon had no idea how long they have been standing here already. It didn't seem that long to him. The months of him being apart from her… that was _long_! Unbearably so. But now he'd won her back. Amy was his once again and forever.

Her fingers enclosed the fabric of his shirt by the front. Her other hand held onto his shoulder, pulling back.

With heavy breaths they parted. But Sheldon was right there, cupping her face, letting the silky tresses of her hair run through his fingers and kissing her all over again. One arm wrapped around her waist, holding her upright because she was clinging to him as if her legs were made of jelly.

Sheldon didn't mind. He would hold her forever. And yes, he realized how cheesy that sounded, but he couldn't help himself.

All the way over here to her apartment he had been running. Knowing somehow that it was vital to get to her as fast as possible. As if he couldn't live one more second without her. And he didn't care that it was sappily romantic. He didn't care that what came out of his mouth when she opened the door was utterly silly and over the top touchy-feely and so not like him.

Because the moment he saw her, he knew that _she_ was all he ever wanted. And he would do absolutely everything to get her back.

So he kissed her and he melted into her like honey into milk. And when he wanted to leave, she grabbed him once more and they collided, fused together and never to be parted again.

Finally now, one lingering kiss followed the other. But they were getting shorter. Sheldon was out of breath at last and his heart seemed to want to explode. Sweet, loving pecks. Feather-light touches.

Then it was over.

Her breath against his face. She was equally spent. But she was happy. Her cheeks were glowing and her eyes sparkled like two emerald diamonds.

She stared into his eyes and he in hers. Sheldon's lips were still warm and tingly. He became aware that he was still holding tightly onto her and she was shaking. Sheldon acted quickly as he realized what his best course of action would be now. "Do you…" he cleared his throat, because he could only whisper. "Do you want to sit down?"

A brilliant smile grew on Amy's face. "Yes. Please."

He didn't let go of her hand as she was leading him to the sofa where Amy and her former date most certainly sat on just a few moments before.

_Wait, where is that guy anyway?_

Sheldon's question got pushed back and was forgotten once they settled down close to each other. Her hands in his upon their knees, thumbs stroking over the knuckles of her fingers.

There was another indefinite period of time where they just sat there, looking at each other with a smile on their faces so wide that it hurt. There was simply nothing that needed to be said. Not immediately after this prolonged reuniting kiss. They were just basking in the afterglow.

Eventually, after Amy smiled just a little bit brighter, Sheldon squeezed her hands and whispered, "I can't believe I have you back."

Amy bowed her head down shyly. "I can't believe it, either."

"I love you."

Sheldon stared at her in surprise when those three words left her lips at the same time as they were tumbling out of his mouth. They smiled and chuckled bashfully. Amy blushed. Sheldon was sure he did, too. And because he could not think of anything else, he carefully leaned in again and Amy met him halfway.

They were kissing on her couch. His left hand on her thigh, his right around her waist. Her hands were holding onto his shoulders, pulling him in. It struck Sheldon, suddenly, that this was exactly the position of their last kiss… the last one before they broke up. Months ago.

He pulled back quickly, blinking at her. Amy's brows wrinkled together with worry. "Are you alright?"

Sheldon blinked some more, making sure that he wasn't suddenly stuck back in the past. "Yes." he said then, focusing on her. "Amy… I... I need to tell you that I'm sorry for all the pain I've caused y-"

"No, don't." she interrupted him softly. "It's okay."

"It's not. I've hurt you." Sheldon insisted. "I've been inconsiderate of your feelings, but, Amy... I promise I will do better."

He had taken her hands again, squeezing them tightly. Amy pressed her trembling lips together and smiled. "I know you will." she said. "But I have to apologize, too. I kept my feelings in for too long and when I finally let them out, I overreacted and pushed away the best thing I had in my life. Forgive me for that."

"Of course." Sheldon answered immediately, touching her cheek when Amy wasn't meeting his eyes anymore. "Just… please... don't leave me again."

He knew how vulnerable he sounded, but that didn't matter. He could be honest around her. There was no one else in the world he trusted more. And she was worth the risk of getting hurt. She was worth everything.

Once more Sheldon's senses were overwhelmed by that calming, familiar smell of books and shampoo as Amy hugged him fiercely. "I won't leave you." she whispered earnestly. "I promise to tell you when I get upset so we can talk it through. This won't happen again."

Sheldon held her tight, pressing his nose against her hair and squeezing his eyes shut. He couldn't stop the tears that secretly slipped out and dripped onto her blouse. Amy was here in his arms and she was going to stay. He would make sure of that. "I promise to be a good boyfriend." he pledged to her, his voice unusually shaky and small. "I promise to show you how much you mean to me."

Her fingers sifted through his hair and she cradled him to her. "Sheldon." she breathed out lovingly and it was his name on her lips that reassured him more than anything else.

_She still loves me._

They stayed on that couch for hours. Just talking. Drinking tea. Hugging and sometimes kissing. Telling each other how the last months really have been for them. It was getting very late much too quickly. When Amy got up to put their empty tea mugs into the sink it came as a shock to Sheldon. It was almost midnight now and she seemed to want to conclude the evening.

However, she did return to him once more, yawning and curling herself up under his arm like a cat. Sheldon held onto her. There suddenly was a strange feeling inside of him. A very prominent fear of losing her. Of realizing that all of this was merely a fantasy and that he would wake up at home and all alone.

"It's getting late." Amy said just then, cocking her head up from where it was resting against his chest. "Do you want me to drive you home?"

"No!" Sheldon exclaimed before Amy could even fully finish her question. Her head rose from him and she viewed him with her eyebrows raised. Sheldon's throat was suddenly very dry and he shyly evaded her questioning gaze. "I… I'm not ready t-to… leave you yet. I don't want this to end."

With a kind smile, she caressed his cheek. "It won't. I'll still be your girlfriend tomorrow."

"Regardless." Sheldon stated firmly. "I don't want to leave you tonight."

Amy gulped, staring at him with wide eyes. "W-What are you suggesting then?"

Sheldon thought about this for a moment, then he nodded. "I'm suggesting a sleepover. Like we did that one time in our fort, remember?"

"Of course." Amy smiled reminiscing.

"I'll be sleeping on the couch and you'll have the bed, of course. I'm still a Texan gentleman, you know."

Amy giggled a bit. "Thank you. That sounds perfectly reasonable."

They arranged Sheldon's sleeping quarters and Amy showed him the spare toothbrush and the extra shirt she still kept for him. They performed their nightly ablutions in quiet togetherness and even kissed goodnight before Sheldon returned to the living room and under the covers of Amy-smelling blankets.

However, this was exactly what kept him awake. He was comfortably wrapped up in the faint echo of Amy's scent, but that surprisingly didn't aid his sleep, it made him miss her.

Logically, he knew that Amy was just in the next room and she had forgiven him and taken him back. But out here alone in her living room, his heart was lonely.

 _Screw this, I've missed her long enough_ , he decided all of a sudden. He had longed to have her close, to kiss her and hold her for the past half year and now... he needed to see her. Needed to feel her to know that she was his again. _How much ones perspective o_ _f_ _a physical relationship can change once it is out of reach_ , Sheldon wondered as he tiptoed over to her bedroom and carefully pushed the door open.

She was fast asleep on the left side of the bed with a big smile on her face. Embraced by her warm, cuddly blankets she just looked too precious to turn away. Sheldon acted without thinking, which might have been a first for him, but he didn't care. Amy was calling him. Like she did for the past few days with that persistent earworm.

He walked around the bed, carefully lowering himself onto it and pulling Amy's quilt, he had brought from the sofa, over him. He didn't dare to get under the covers with her. Not yet. Sheldon swallowed as he realized that the thought of sharing their warmth beneath the blankets wasn't at all as repellent as it once had been. He willed himself not to think further right now and scooted closer to Amy. One trembling arm wrapped around her midsection and his head nuzzled into the warmness of her hair. He exhaled in relief.

_Yes, this feels right..._

Next to Amy was his home; the place where he belonged. And the feeling of love for her swelled even more and he never ever wanted to lose it again.

There was a soft sigh and suddenly Amy stirred. "Sheldon?" she whispered sleepily.

"Shh." he hushed against her ear. "Go back to sleep, darlin'."

She did and Sheldon immediately fell asleep right next to her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoyed this one! As always thanks so much for reading!


	13. 9x24: The Convergence-Convergence

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not an obvious Shamy moment, but I love to think a conversation like this happened after the disastrous rehearsal dinner for Leonard and Penny's wedding...

_**9x24: "I'm beginning to sense some tension."** _

After the awkward dinner came to a long-awaited end, the remaining attendees – minus Mary Cooper and Alfred Hofstadter – parted ways in the parking lot. Bernadette and Raj led a somewhat paranoid looking Howard to the car, leaving only Leonard, Penny, Beverly Hofstadter, Sheldon and Amy behind.

"Sheldon, are you coming with us?" Leonard asked, car keys in hand. "We still have room for one and Amy doesn't have to make a detour."

Sheldon stood between his best friend and his girlfriend and while Leonard made a perfectly logical point his feet still dragged him towards the illogical option. "No, thanks. I… I'd rather drive with Amy." he glanced at her sheepishly, looking for a sign of vexation at his request. But she smiled softly at him.

"Well, that's a stupid emotional decision I didn't expect from someone like you, Sheldon." Beverly spoke up quite loudly. "I thought you were better than that." Her voice still held obvious resentment caused by the previous events of this horrible evening that culminated in her ex-husband leaving early with Sheldon's mom.

"Leave him be, mother." Leonard grumbled at her and started walking towards his car. "See you at home, Sheldon." he called over his shoulder. An annoyed-looking Penny and a still ranting Beverly followed him not far behind.

Sheldon watched them leave for a moment then he turned back to Amy who shrugged her shoulders, seeming mildly embarrassed.

"So… should we go?" she asked.

"Yes. Let's go." Sheldon nodded and they started leaving, too. "I don't understand why Beverly seemed to be mad at me, all of a sudden." he said upon entering Amy's car. "Leonard and Penny have to drop her off at her hotel anyway, so by choosing to drive with you I'll reach home sooner."

"Right." said Amy meekly, concentrating on buckling herself in.

Sheldon watched her and got the strange feeling that she was avoiding to look at him. "Also, I rather be in your company." he added, which made her look up instantly and smile. Sheldon smiled back. Since they got back together, Sheldon had learned that if there was something on his mind concerning his feelings for her, he might as well tell her. It was usually a safe way to make her show that special, glowing smile that he loved. "Especially now," Sheldon continued, feeling sure of himself. "That Beverly seems so uncharacteristically emotionally charged."

Amy chuckled. "That she was." She pulled out of the parking spot and onto the street. The car ride fell silent without the chatty Alfred and Mary in the backseat.

"So…" Amy said hesitantly after they have been driving for a while. "The Hofstadters make an odd couple, don't you think?"

Sheldon looked at her incredulously. "I agree, but I thought you said I shouldn't point that fact out to them all the time."

"No," Amy rolled her eyes good-naturedly. "I was talking about Leonard's parents, not our friends."

"Oh." made Sheldon. "In that case, yes, they are. Like father like son, I guess."

Amy furrowed her brows. "What?"

"Well, they both married women that, quite frankly, could do better than them." explained Sheldon. "In Alfred and Beverly's case this fact already came back to bite them. For Leonard's sake let's hope that Penny will be merciful when it happens to them."

Amy threw him a stern sideway glance. "Sheldon, it's not nice to assume that they will end up like Beverly and Alfred."

"Hey, I said I hope it won't be as bad." corrected Sheldon pointedly. "I know I was oblivious to the tension for a long time, but even I eventually realized that there is a lot of bad blood between those two ex-partners."

"They hate each other." Amy exclaimed, shaking her head in disbelief. "They really do. All that has been said between them was only to inflict pain." The engine hummed as both were lost in their own thoughts for a minute. "I can't imagine what must have happened between them that caused so much pent-up hatred." Amy said eventually.

Sheldon looked at Amy with his head tilted to the side while she was staring out the windshield still deep in thoughts. "What do you mean by that?"

Amy briefly looked at him and shrugged. "Well, think about it… they must have loved each other once. That's why Beverly was so emotional right now when she saw Alfred leave with your mother."

Sheldon made a face. "Please, don't make me think about that."

"I'm sorry." said Amy, shaking her own head to get rid of the mental image. "But it shows that even the painfully analytical Beverly obviously still cares about him… in her own way. Ergo, she must have loved him once."

Sheldon contemplated this for a second. "So, you're saying once they were as hopeful and blind as Leonard and Penny?"

Amy threw him a chiding look. "I wouldn't say it quite like that, but… yeah, sort of."

Sheldon shook his head vehemently. "No, I can't imagine that at all."

Amy took a left turn, heading closer to Los Robles Avenue. "Well, it must be the truth." she said. "What baffles me is that they had three children together… something that should connect two people, right? But they still grew to despise each other so much."

"I don't think that having children necessarily means that two people miraculously reconcile their differences." Sheldon objected. "Take my parents for example. I have two siblings, too, but that didn't stop my mother and father from fighting all the time. It also didn't matter that they were trying to keep the fights away from us children by mostly arguing after we went to bed, because they were shouting so loud that none of us could sleep anyway."

Amy swallowed. "You're right. I didn't think of that."

Sheldon looked into his lap, momentarily losing himself in the dark times of his early teenage years when the fights were the worst. And he wondered how comfortable he was with telling Amy about those painful memories of his past. "It's okay." he mumbled quietly. "It was over before it got as hostile as between Beverly and Alfred."

Silence filled the car once more, but it was a little uncomfortable this time. Heavy suppressed emotions of grief hung in the air like thick black rain clouds. Amy reached out with her right hand to cover Sheldon's left one that he was clenching upon his knee. "I'm sorry." she said quietly and the compassionate look in her tender green eyes made the imaginary black clouds dissolve into nothingness. Sheldon pressed his lips to a thin half-smile and Amy squeezed his hand before putting it back upon the steering wheel.

"You know, now that I'm thinking about it," said Amy. "My parents don't have the best relationship, either. I mean, you know how scary my mom can be and my dad never dares to contradict her in any way… even when it came to my upbringing."

She became pensive for a moment and Sheldon knew that Amy had her own childhood demons to battle. He wanted to show her that he was here to support her just as much as she did for him, but he wondered too long about whether or not touching her would distract her too much from driving. And then she was already talking on.

"I wonder if my parents would still be together today, had my dad told my mom his honest opinion a long time ago."

Now this got Sheldon pondering again. Because he knew someone else who had hidden her honest opinion and her true feelings for a very long time for the fear of losing the one she apparently loved. And when she came clean it didn't go well.

They arrived at 2311 Los Robles without having spoken another word. But only when Amy turned off the engine and the silence became so glaringly obvious that it suddenly shook them both out of their musings, they really became aware of each other's presence again. Sheepishly, they smiled.

"Anyway… I see you again tomorrow at Leonard and Penny's real wedding ceremony." Amy said.

"Yes." nodded Sheldon. "Thanks for driving me, Amy."

"No problem."

Sheldon reached for the door handle and stepped with one foot onto the street… then he froze. All of a sudden, he pulled his leg back in, closed the door and continued to stare into his lap.

"Sheldon? What's wrong?" Amy asked in confusion.

He clenched his fists upon his legs, still not able to look at her. His mind was a mess of wondering questions and worries that he had to get in line first to be able to voice them. "Amy…" he finally began. "Considering the bad experiences we gathered watching our parents' marriages fail and the fairly recent… break in our own relationship…" he swallowed, because his heart suddenly pounded fearfully in his chest. "Do you think this will affect our chances of having a successful partnership?" And then once more while looking over at her, because Amy didn't answer him immediately. "Do you think we could... hate each other at some point in the future?"

Amy stared at him with her mouth hung open. She blinked, closed it and opened it once more without managing to get a word out. Sheldon would have given anything to read the expression from her face right now.

Eventually, Amy moved her body to face him a bit more, but she could only answer his query with a question herself. "Sheldon... do you really believe t-that you could hate me?"

"No, I'm not saying that!" Sheldon explained, his hands upheld in surrender. "But… I guess whether you'd ask my parents, your parents or Leonard's parents… they didn't think they would ever... _dislike_ each other, either." he said, feeling that _hate_ may be a too strong word after all.

Regardless, Amy's eyes filled with something that Sheldon learned to recognize all too well:

Disappointment.

She had often looked at him like that, but he had chosen to ignore it and pretend that her blind infatuation with him would save him from any real trouble. He knew better than to trust on that now.

"But to answer your question…" Sheldon continued quickly. "I can wholeheartedly say that I don't believe that it's even possible for me to hate you, Amy."

"Oh, yeah?" Amy avoided looking into his eyes. "What sets you apart from all those other people who thought they were in love?"

He was losing her to disappointment; Sheldon could feel it.

He reached out, taking Amy's hand and putting it in between his, holding onto her until she was looking at him again. "I already went through metaphorical hell when you broke up with me." Sheldon said earnestly, not breaking eye-contact. "And at first, I was angry with you because, to me, it seemed like you were throwing away a perfectly functioning relationship. Eventually I understood that it wasn't perfect… not back then. But now you've given us a second chance and I made a promise to myself that I will do anything to make it last... because... I don't want to be apart from you ever again."

Amy's eyes glistened. She swallowed down a sob and covered their hands with her remaining free one, stroking his skin as Sheldon continued.

"Even back then when I was angry, I was never able to _hate_ you or purposely do something that I knew would cause you pain. I… I still loved you and I missed you and I would've done anything to have you back." Sheldon confessed sincerely. "I never want to go back there. _Never_. I couldn't bear the loss. You are... my best friend _and_ you're my partner, Amy Farrah Fowler."

She had listened patiently to him, seemingly with withheld breath. But now, Amy couldn't suppress the tiny sobs that made it past her lips. She lifted one hand to wipe the tears from the corner of her eye. "Oh, Sheldon…" she whispered just barely audible. "I feel the same way about you. I always have. Despite your… peculiarities and sometimes challenging behavior," she chuckled a bit. "I wouldn't want you to be any other way. I'll _always_ love you."

"Good." he smiled back in relief, feeling how the weight of his worries melted away like hot wax. "I don't want to end up like Alfred and Beverly."

"Me neither." Amy grinned and she leaned over to kiss him. With her arms around his shoulders and his around her waist they maintained their connection and kept kissing until bright car headlights were blinding them from behind and startled them apart.

Sheldon didn't let go of her yet as he spoke. "I think Leonard and Penny just pulled up behind us. I should probably go inside before they start prying about what we were doing so long in a parked car."

Amy giggled. A blush crept up her cheeks, which made her look so youthful and sweet. "You're right. You should go." she said.

Admiring her sight for another moment, Sheldon came to a quick decision and kissed her lips once more before detangling himself from her. "See you tomorrow, Amy." he said and exited the car.


	14. 8x17: The Colonization Application

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some of Amy's thoughts just a few episodes before the break-up...  
> There's a Young Sheldon reference in there, but you don't have to follow the show to understand it. Although, that scene shows that you should, because it's really funny, haha ;)  
> Let me know what you think...

_**8x17: "Are you asking me to go to Mars with you?"** _

Amy and Sheldon let themselves fall onto the couch with a deep, exhausted sigh. It happened completely by accident that Amy settled down much closer next to Sheldon than usual so that, when she leaned her head back, she suddenly found herself crooked beneath Sheldon's right arm and the side of his chest.

A little startled she looked up into his face to see if he was uncomfortable, but in that moment Sheldon's hand already settled down upon her shoulder and he held her in place. Grinning joyfully, Amy trained her gaze to the front again, looking around in the now spotless apartment.

Sheldon did insist that they would make a new video for the Mars colonization as a couple even though it already had been pretty late. Luckily, they weren't newbies when it came to performing in front of a camera thanks to _Fun with Flags_ , so the script for their application video came together rather quickly. Amy also convinced Sheldon not to throw pie in anyone's face to show that they were humorous people. Instead that bit now involved an actual trick can full of confetti.

It took the quirky couple forever to clean up the mess they've left, but now they were finally finished and could lean back in their respective spots on the couch… with Amy snuggled to her boyfriend's side.

For a while they stayed silent. Amy secretly counted the seconds until Sheldon would lean away from her, but to her astonishment he didn't seem to be bothered at all.

"I must say, Amy, for such a limited frame of time we really outdid ourselves with this video." Sheldon said, moving the tips of his fingers over the edge of her shoulder. "If they don't pick us for this mission they might as well stay down on earth, because they have no idea what they're doing."

Amy chuckled, nuzzling herself a little closer to the warmth radiating from Sheldon's body. "They'd surely miss out on our confetti fun time." she joked. Getting a little more serious, Amy looked up to Sheldon and added, "Thank you for doing this. It really means a lot."

He surprised her again by briefly patting her hand which rested on her knee. "Of course." Sheldon said. "I know the chances of ever embarking on such a mission are still slim, but I like the idea of us living together on a different planet. A lot of our friends' snide alien jokes would finally make some sense."

Amy grinned to herself as Sheldon mentioned the words ' _living together_ '. It was that step in their relationship that Amy still longingly wished for. They were together most of the time now anyway. If they didn't see each other at work, they'd have dinner together with the rest of the group at his apartment. Date nights happened a lot more often than just every second Thursday of the month ever since Sheldon returned from his train trip and he was contractualy obliged to make up for the lost time.

At the beginning he had shown her his calculations of how many date nights he had to make up for, but that quota had passed and Sheldon had never mentioned it again that they still went out at least once a week.

Only the two of them.

Obviously, Sheldon's confession of love really did change something in him. He actually stated out loud that he enjoys spending time with her and when no one else was around to tease him, he also seemed to be a lot more comfortable with showing affection… Amy still had to get used to that.

Still grinning, she glanced upwards, meeting his calm, blue eyes as she envisioned their extraterrestrial living arrangement. "Hm, we could… rent a bungalow in a nice and quiet town on Mars." Amy fantasized.

"First, we would pick a name for that town." Sheldon chimed in. "I vote for Marsadena."

Amy began to laugh and from the vibrations she felt against her she could tell that Sheldon was laughing, too. "We would grow Martian fruits and vegetables in our backyard…"

"We'd go on expeditions every day to learn more about that fascinating red planet…" Sheldon added.

"We would send our Martian kids only to the best schools in Marsadena…" Amy mused.

"Oh, and on Sundays," Sheldon said excitedly, squeezing Amy a little tighter to him. "We would visit the first Martian zoo that we'd establish where we could watch all the exotic Martian creatures in their natural habitat."

Amy's eyes were sparkling as she was looking up to him. They were only playing make-believe, she knew that, but my, oh, my, was it a wonderful fantasy. "That sounds nice." she whispered.

Sheldon smiled softly down at her and as Amy boldly moved her hand from her own knee to his to hold his free hand, he let her.

Amy leaned her head fully against Sheldon's shoulder and she felt him leaning his cheek upon her hair. Like he did earlier in the hallway. Amy smiled and had to press her lips together so she wouldn't make a squealing noise of happiness that would startle her affectionate boyfriend.

The embrace they shared earlier was one of the best, most intimate moments in their relationship so far. Only bested by their Valentine's Day kiss and his first 'I-love-you'. Amy had felt so secure in his arms. So warm and cared for. She loved the way his head and arms had completely trapped her beneath his chin.

But the cuddling now may just beat that moment, too.

She interlaced their fingers and slowly breathed through. "Would we also have a… a joined pet on Mars?" Amy then asked sheepishly, not wanting to bring up any bad feelings about their fight earlier. But she was really curious what his answer might be.

Sheldon raised his head from hers and looked at her in contemplation. "We could." he stated then and Amy started to smile. "Not a turtle, though."

"Oh." The smile quickly dropped from her lips. She swallowed uncomfortably and averted her eyes. "N-Not enough love left for an eight ounce reptile after all." she mumbled quietly.

"No, there is enough love left." Sheldon quickly reassured her. "But you've seen what that cruel creature did to me. Which reminds me that I still have to make an appointment with my doctor to get a rabies shot."

Amy rolled her eyes, but she was smiling again. _At least there's love_ , she thought. Although, she had gotten really excited about calling herself the owner of a cute, little turtle. "Well… what pet did you have in mind?"

Sheldon chewed on his bottom lip in thought, tilting his head. "We could start out with a fish."

"A fish?" Amy repeated incredulously, scrunching up her face. "That seems a little boring."

"I wouldn't say that." Sheldon argued. "When I was young I had a pet fish for a short while."

"What happened to him?"

Sheldon seemed to get a little embarrassed from the way his eyes suddenly jumped around. "Well… let's just say he had a run-in with my father. He wanted to prove me wrong, but, as it predictably turned out, I was right and Fish really bit me."

"You named your fish Fish?" Amy asked with a smirk.

"Yes. What else would I name him?"

Amy shrugged her shoulders. "I just thought after you came up with such peculiar names for our could-have-been turtle you'd be more creative than that."

"I was just a kid, Amy." Sheldon reminded her in his best lecturing tone. "It was my first pet ever. Cut me some slack."

Amy giggled. "Sorry, you're right. So why did Fish bite you? I didn't even know that goldfish can bite."

"Oh, my sister Missy and I were discussing whether or not you could actually pet a fish, because – like you – she found Fish boring. So I tried it and that's when he bit me." Sheldon narrated. "Also, it wasn't a goldfish. My Meemaw bought him for me and knowing her, she probably went for something exotic and not at all boring."

Amy leaned her head back onto Sheldon's shoulder with a grin. "I can't wait to meet her someday." she mused.

"Me, neither."

"So… a fish?" Amy asked after a short pause.

"Yeah…" Sheldon murmured slowly as if he still had to convince himself of this idea. "We could do that. We both could have our own fish bowl at home."

Excitedly, Amy realized that Sheldon was suddenly talking about reality… about getting a fish on Earth not on Mars. "But it would be hard to transport a fish safely back and forth between our apartments." she reminded him.

"That's true." Sheldon admitted. "I suppose our fish could only live with one of us and the other can visit every day. But how do we decide who gets to keep him?"

Lost in wishful thoughts, Amy stared at their joined hands, rubbing her thumb in circles over his. "I think there would be an easy solution for that." she whispered almost inaudibly.

Before Sheldon could ask further questions, however, an alarm rang out on his phone.

"Oh…" Sheldon voiced a little disappointed and finally leaned forward and away from her to reach his phone on the coffee table. "My bedtime is coming up. I think we should conclude the evening."

Amy sighed with a heavy heart. "Alright." She got up, put on her jacket and grabbed her bag. Sheldon walked her to the door and reached for her hands as she turned around.

"I had fun tonight." he said.

Amy smiled slightly. "Me, too."

What happened next still swept Amy off her feet… even after over a year of doing this. Sheldon bent down to kiss her. It wasn't as stiff and clumsy as it once has been. They have evolved since then. His arms wrapped fully around her waist to pull her close while Amy slung her arms around his neck and they came together in a sweet but thrillingly long kiss.

As Sheldon pulled back from her they were both smiling and blushing immensely. But, suddenly, he frowned. "Oh, I forgot to ask, what would be the solution for our joined pet fish living arrangement dilemma you talked about?"

"Uhh…" Amy stuttered, becoming flustered. She didn't think he'd bring it up again. "It's not important. Maybe it's still a bit too soon." she said, stepping back from his embrace to open the door.

Sheldon kept staring at her. As if he was trying very hard to figure out what was bothering her. Because there definitely was something and Amy was amazed that Sheldon even picked up on it. "But… you'll still consider getting a fish, won't you?" he eventually asked.

Amy smiled. "I will."

That seemed to put him at ease. "Good." he smiled back. "Well then, good night, Amy."

"Good night, Sheldon." She stepped outside and closed the door.

Then… for a long moment, Amy kept standing there with her back towards it, closing her eyes and sighing deeply.

_If only he would want to live with me for real..._


	15. 9x01: The Matrimonial Momentum

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A chapter that could cause heartbreak again. You've been warned... ;)  
> But really now, let me know what you think! :)

_**9x01: "We make everyone feel awkward. That's our thing."** _

He thought it couldn't hurt more than when she ended the video call, leaving him alone with the ring in his hand. So much confusion and rejection, slicing his heart and making it burn like a thousand little paper cuts.

Then he found out that Amy was on her way to the Wolowitz' home to watch Leonard and Penny's wedding over the internet. He wasn't invited. And even though they were his friends first, no one reached out to him. He saw them all, gathered around the TV while he stood in front of the window, only allowed to watch from afar. Because with him there it would be awkward, they said.

Sheldon felt like a kid again. Always an outsider, always on his own.

And then Howard closed the drapes. It was a violent kick to his stomach. Sheldon was gasping for air, his burning, bleeding heart pumped wildly. They didn't want him there. They excluded him and kicked him when he was already down. And Amy was with them.

This fact hurt the most.

So he thought.

Sheldon was angry and confused and desperate. They had let him in eventually, but Sheldon was on edge. Amy was right there and at the same time so far away from him emotionally. She couldn't even bear to look at him. So much hurt, so much confusion. This tomfoolery had to stop. No more time for reevaluation; he needed her back!

He acted rashly. Emotional. Arrogant. He said things to her that he couldn't take back; he had reached the absolute end of Amy's thread of patience.

She broke up with him and stormed out of the room.

Sheldon stood up, automatically following her a few steps until he noticed there was nothing that connected him to her anymore. She had cut him off. He was the phantom limb that was still hurting although there was nothing left.

And only now he knew how much worse this break-up could feel.

It was like dying inside.

His pathetic heart was stabbed, torn in half and kicked to the curb. He wasn't feeling its beat anymore. Numbness settled in. Numbing pain.

He needed to leave.

"Would someone take me home?"

It was Raj who offered. Sheldon was sitting in his car right now, staring mindlessly out the window without seeing anything. The ride had been entirely silent from the beginning. Sheldon felt Raj's eyes on him every now and then, but he ignored him.

He couldn't let him see anything. He was numb and emotionless. A rock without any feelings. Because if he would let him in, let him see the bloody ruins of his heart it would become real.

Maybe there was still a chance to explain himself to her. He could make her see reason. He could still propose to her, right? That was still an option, because it's what Amy always wanted, wasn't it? Surely, she would forgive him if he were to propose. Everything would be fine. She would still want to wear that ring that was burning a hole in his pocket… right?

_Right?_

"Hey… Sheldon?" Raj suddenly spoke up hesitantly. "If you want, you could talk to me about this. I'm a good listener."

"I'm fine, Raj." Sheldon said automatically.

"Come on, I can tell you're not."

"How could you possibly tell?" Sheldon's voice rose defensively.

Raj didn't take his eyes off the road when he answered. "I can see you crying."

Sheldon inhaled to voice his fierce protest, but then he paused in shock and he lifted his hand to his cheek to wipe a trail of wetness from it. Flabbergasted, he stared at his hand. He hadn't even noticed the tears.

Quickly, he wiped them all away, blinking fast and refocusing on the gray-looking buildings they passed. "It's alright." he said. "I was thinking about the sad ending of a movie."

"Hey, no one could relate to that more than me, but we both know that's not what you were thinking about." Raj said.

"As far as you're concerned it is, because I won't talk about this any more than I already have."

"Sheldon… believe me I understand you. Break-ups are hard. No one would make fun of you if you feel like crying. I'm sure Amy feels-"

"I'm fine!" Sheldon snapped loudly. Hearing her name had twisted the knife that still stuck in his heart. He had to react immediately. Sheepish silence was the answer. They crossed three intersections and stopped at two red lights before Raj dared to raise his voice again.

"I'm sorry."

Sheldon turned his head to look at his friend. "For what?"

"For what happened between the two of you. I know you loved her."

Sheldon slowly averted his eyes again, gazing down into his lap where he was clenching his clammy fists. "I still do." he mumbled almost inaudibly.

There it was again. A quick sideway glance from Raj and a comment Sheldon could practically feel rising in his throat.

"Sheldon, I'm here for you." Raj pledged. "Right now there is no one else around. I won't judge you and I won't tell the others, I promise." He made a contemplative pause and then nodded to himself as if he came to a conclusion. "For as long as this car ride will take I will just sit here and listen. You can talk about anything that's on your mind and I won't interrupt or ask more questions. And when we arrive you can just get out or, if you want, I could tell you what I think."

Raj paused again, obviously waiting for a reply. "So... what do you say?"

Exasperatingly, Sheldon rolled his eyes. "How would I even get a word in with your constant jabbering?!"

"Sorry." Raj mumbled. "I will shut up now."

And he really did. For more than five minutes the friends were sitting there in silence. Raj was apparently solely concentrating on the traffic and didn't look at Sheldon again. Not even when he was staring at Raj, waiting for him to crack under his gaze.

Sheldon sighed and looked back into his lap. The silence involuntarily made his thoughts wander; he couldn't stop it. There was too much on his mind. If he was closing his eyes he could even pretend to be alone. He did that now… he breathed in deeply and closed his eyes.

After blackness and a few flickering patterns the first thing he saw was Amy's face. With her mouth opened in shock she stared back at him. Disbelief, hurt and disappointment… yes, even anger in her eyes. It was peculiar that he could detect all these emotions now that he was picturing her in the calmness of his own mind. Why didn't he see it before when he had opened his mouth and insulted her? He could've stopped talking. He could've apologized for pushing her into a decision. This was on him. He caused this break-up. He caused this pain.

"I-I…" Sheldon's voice wavered. On some level he didn't even realize that he was talking aloud now. "I just wish… I could go back in time. To the point two days ago in the evening when she stopped…" Sheldon's brows knitted together in pain as his heart clenched itself to a torn, bleeding ball just so it wouldn't fall apart. "When she stopped kissing me." he continued. "It all started from there… s-she didn't look at me anymore, she didn't want to be near me…"

Sheldon wanted to say more things, but now his throat suddenly started clenching up, too. He couldn't talk without tears burning in his squeezed-shut eyes. "I-I wish… she would've explained to me what I did wrong… maybe… I could have fixed it."

His shoulders were shaking, his hands trembling as sobs rocked his body. "It was all… a misunderstanding." his voice was breaking now and even if he had wanted to he wouldn't have been able to stop talking. "If she only would've let me finish talking when I called her, she could've seen… what I wanted."

Sheldon covered his face with his hands, wiping away tears and trying to hide himself from the world. "I was so angry today. I didn't notice what I was saying, I… I just wanted her back!" he wailed desperately. "I didn't mean to hurt her with that comment about her eggs having a sell-by date. S-She misunderstood. Because…"

Here, Sheldon had to pause, breathing deeply to calm himself. Because at some point during his own reasoning and lamenting, he suddenly came to terms with the real, hidden reason for his outburst today. The real and true meaning behind his thoughtless, desperate words.

"Because… how can we ever… m-marry and… start… having a family… _someday…_ if she takes a step back to reevaluate our situation for an indefinitely long time?" Fear raked up his heartbeat at his unbelievable words that had been utterly oblivious to him until now. "We don't _have_ forever." he finally added in a whisper.

Sheldon let his hands drop into his lap, exhausted from his soul-searching. He lifted his head, thinking about the engagement ring he didn't get to show her. "But now it doesn't matter anymore, because all of this will never happen."

Sheldon opened his eyes.

They stood at the side of the road, parked in front of his apartment building. Sheldon couldn't tell for how long already. Everything around him had blurred into nonexistence during his rant. Raj next to him was staring at him with his mouth hung open and tears in his eyes. He even looked a little pale despite his darker complexion.

Silence stretched on, but nobody moved. According to Raj's suggestion he made earlier, Sheldon should use this opportunity to bolt out of the car and forget this ever happened. But something kept him glued to his seat. A desperate need, a faint hope that Raj would know the answer to his woes.

Raj swallowed, closed his mouth and opened it again, obviously struggling to get a word out. Sheldon had been afraid of that.

There was no solution. He had ruined it. He no longer needed the ring, because Amy didn't want him anymore.

Defeated, Sheldon swallowed and reached for the door handle. He should call his mother so she would take the ring back. "Good day, Raj." he said and wanted to get out.

"Sheldon." Raj called out, touching his arm. Sheldon looked back, waiting for Raj to find his words once more. "Don't give up on your future plans with her. Not yet, okay? Fight for her!"

Not fully convinced of his friend's advice, Sheldon nodded his head and got out of the car. 

_Fight for her. But how?_


	16. 8x20: The Fortification Implementation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This will be my last Shamy snippet for a while. I have some more ideas but I decided to take a little break here to focus on other writing projects. Thank you so much for reading! Leave a comment if you enjoyed it! :)

**_8x20: "You got yourself a sleepover."_ **

He hasn't seen anything more magnificent his entire life.

The way those glimmering, colorful Christmas lights bounced off of every surface. The low-hanging tent of blankets seemed to increase the coziness and the intimacy. The hush sounds damped by the enclosed space. Everything seemed warmer and more prominent.

Sheldon was mesmerized by Amy… but their blanket fort came a close second.

He was enjoying how her green eyes sparkled in the dim light and how nice her rosy cheeks looked while he was sitting so close next to her. And that smile… an honest, childlike, beautiful smile that made his insides flutter like crazy. Sheldon would've been embarrassed by how much he was feeling like a hormonal teenager, but it was the goal of this evening to feel young again, wasn't it? And Sheldon was much too in love to care.

_Dear Lord, what is happening to me!_

He looked back into her face, realizing that she was just as happy to be with him as he was with her and his brief worries dissolved into nothingness.

He never wanted this night to end.

Sheldon was, once again, glad about the blessing of his mind, because with his eidetic memory it didn't have to end. He could recall this moment over and over again when he was feeling sad or left out. He could dream himself back to this perfect night.

The heavy blankets around them served as the outer walls of their universe, swallowing every sight and sound so they could pretend that nothing else existed. How wonderful would that be… if he and Amy were the only lifeforms on the planet?

He'd always have an intelligent conversational partner. Never again would he need to dumb down his speeches or explain common idioms. No one to roll their eyes at him when he talked about interesting fun facts. No one to make fun of him about his looks, his intellect or his many compulsive obsessions. No one who would exclude him or who thought of him as annoying even though he sometimes really tried to fit in.

Just Amy.

Amy, who loved him exactly the way he was. The only one who really understood him. Amy, the only person he felt truly comfortable to be around.

Sheldon never wanted her to leave.

"Oh, ten o'clock. Date night's over."

It came as a shock to his system. These words. A bucket of cold water. _No. Not yet._

_Not yet!_

That's how he found himself asking her for the first time during their almost five year relationship to stay longer with him. And she suggested a sleepover.

He was haggling with her. Solely for the purpose of feeling in control. Solely for safety, so his mind wouldn't get overwhelmed by her. A G-rated boy/girl sleepover with a warning for families with babies and toddlers. But why would babies feel offended anyway…

Amy had hid her own nightwear and toothbrush and Sheldon loved her preparedness. He didn't know how he would have reacted to seeing his petite girlfriend in one of his large pajama tops or in one of his superhero shirts. The thought alone sent funny tingles through his stomach that suddenly made him very nervous to be alone with her.

So they changed their clothes. To Sheldon, Amy looked like an apple blossom in her nightgown. White and blushing pink and sweet. They kept talking for a while, sitting side by side under their cozy tent, legs pulled up against their chests and leaning against the couch. Their knees and the knuckles of their fingers kept brushing against each other and it always resulted in a startled halt in their speech, a shy, blooming blush and a nervous smile which they couldn't hide even if they wanted to.

Sheldon felt like a sixteen-year-old and for the first time in his life he enjoyed that feeling.

Just a little later, Amy began another fast-paced discussion. She suggested that they engage in some harmless kissing. Her top argument seemed to be that there was kissing in G-rated Disney movies when the hero saves the heroine and they conclude the happy end with an overly romantic kiss.

Sheldon didn't know enough about Disney movies to successfully defend his counter-arguments and he sure as heck couldn't tell her that no kiss he had ever shared with her was harmless.

His mind was swirling like a drain every time their lips touched, flushing out all of his carefully compiled logic detachment to which he was clinging desperately to keep his control. This setting alone, this intimate hideout from the rest of the world, was daring enough as it was without the extra thrill of losing himself in the sensations of kissing her.

It was due to his own pride and his stubborn refusal to admit how much he got affected by her that Sheldon lost the argument and Amy was shyly inching closer to him. _D_ _oes this really feel like losing,_ Sheldon briefly wondered. But then their lips touched and, as predicted, every other thought flew abruptly out the metaphorical window.

"Just one kiss, Sheldon." she had said, sounding a little worn out from arguing. "I promise I won't ask for more."

But it was enough.

Sheldon found himself reaching out for her cheek, pulling her close while her fingers dug into the skin of his upper arm and holding on to him for dear life as their kiss was deepening. Their hands that supported them on the floor were touching, their pinkies linked together. Everything around them became dull and insignificant. They were alone. Unseen, unheard from the world in their own secret place. Hidden under their blanket fort. Where no one can disturb them.

"Hello? What is this?"

A voice called out from beyond their universe. From outside the fort. Sheldon couldn't decide if he wanted to kill Leonard for interrupting them or thank him for the exact same reason. Because he honestly wasn't sure how far they would've gone and that scared Sheldon tremendously.

Trying to breeze past this eminent moment, Sheldon invited Leonard inside their fort. He figured he would serve as a buffer between him and Amy, to make sure it wouldn't escalate again. Sheldon was certain it would work.

The three of them were sitting together and Sheldon and Amy told their friend what prompted them to build a fort. They threw each other those smiles that were only for them. Those genuine and childlike smiles that hurt their cheeks and made their stomachs flutter. And Leonard was sitting there, awkwardly smiling along, so obviously embarrassed by the tension between them that even Sheldon picked up on it.

It didn't take long until Leonard decided to leave them alone again. He just didn't fit into their universe.

It was getting late.

Amy was sheepishly hiding a yawn behind her hand, which Sheldon inexplicably found cute. "We should probably go to sleep." he said with a soft smile.

"Agreed." answered Amy.

They kept sitting on the floor across from each other, looking indecisively at the pile of sleeping bags Sheldon got from his room.

"Uhm, h-how do we decide who sleeps where?" Amy asked haltingly.

"Well, my mother would scold me if I wouldn't offer you the bed while I sleep on the couch, but given that our options are either couch or floor, I will take the floor and let you have the couch." Sheldon stated obviously.

"Oh." made Amy, blushing profusely. "Thanks. You really don't have to do that. We could also both sleep on the floor. There's enough room."

Sheldon felt his heart pulsing in his throat and his breath shortened. Sleeping next to Amy Farrah Fowler? His girlfriend! "No, I insist." Sheldon pressed out quickly, battling his nerves down. A sleepover entailed that the participating people were sleeping in the same room together, right? Well, that was exciting enough for him; he couldn't get overwhelmed again by sleeping right next to her.

Amy thanked him once more and they continued to make their beds. Sheldon was still sitting up, watching Amy get comfortable in her sleeping bag, when she suddenly stretched over to close the gap between them and gave him a sneaky, swift kiss to the cheek. "Good night." she said and then turned around so he couldn't see her face anymore.

Sheldon's breath hitched in his throat and he froze, staring at her in shock. But Amy kept perfectly still, not making another sound. "G-Good night." he uttered and fumbled around, looking for the switch to turn off the chain of Christmas lights. He laid back down on his back, stared straight ahead and waited for his eyes to adjust to the darkness.

But somehow they didn't.

He waited and blinked, but nothing changed. The blankets all around him swallowed every source of light. He literally could see no difference between having his eyes opened or closed.

Suddenly, the darkness seemed to smother him. He could no longer see the edges of his little, make-believe universe. The darkness was vast and endless and so, so heavy. It pressed down on his chest and Sheldon started to panic.

"A-Amy?"

"Yes?" she whispered back.

Sheldon exhaled. At least she didn't get swallowed by the darkness. She was still there with him. Somewhere. He only couldn't see her. "It's… it's pretty dark, isn't it?" he squeaked thinly.

"It is." A pause. "Are you scared of the dark?"

"Me? Noo, of course not." he said much too quickly to be genuine. His hands, which he had folded atop his stomach, started shaking. Then, suddenly, Sheldon could feel something brush against the back of his hand and he screamed.

"Sorry. I'm sorry." Amy calmed him quickly and in the same second Sheldon realized that it was only Amy's hand, touching his. "I should have warned you. I… I'm used to pitch-black darkness ever since I was old enough to have sinful thoughts which my mother tried to inhibit by locking me in the closet. I understand how scary this is… to feel small and alone, like the darkness could smother you."

Sheldon promptly interlaced his fingers with Amy's and squeezed her tightly. He told himself that he did it because she sounded scared, all of a sudden, and he wanted to reassure her. But he also had to admit that this proved once more how well she understood him. Her hand was like an anchor that kept him from drifting out into vast, unknown corners of their universe that he wasn't ready to explore yet.

He kept holding her tightly and his breathing evened out. So did hers. It was as if they were breathing as one. "At least now we're not alone in the darkness anymore." he eventually said to her. "We don't have to be scared because we have each other."

Her breathing changed again. It quickened and it was more audible than before. "We do." Amy said with a peculiar hitch in her voice that Sheldon couldn't really place.

He wondered if he should say more, but he couldn't think of anything. So they were lying silently in the dark, their hands clasping each other so they wouldn't feel alone and adrift. Sheldon's eyes grew heavy, but he didn't want to let go of her.

She was his universe.

In this small corner of the world that often times troubled, confused and irritated him, Amy was his safe spot. The one person he felt comfortable being around… because he was in love with her.

He didn't want to let go of her ever again.

 _Maybe I should start thinking about giving her_ _the_ _ring_ , Sheldon wondered before he drifted off to sleep.


End file.
